Recovering Perfectionist vs REWIRED Perfectionist (lessons from Perfectionist CEO)

[00:00:00] If you are a perfectionist that tends to be an overachiever and type A and driven,

[00:00:06] you have probably noticed by now achieving and winning and accomplishing things.

[00:00:11] It doesn't give you the same high on the inside.

[00:00:15] Like, oh, that feels good as it used to.

[00:00:18] In fact, maybe a lot of you go to the next level because you think, ah, this is going

[00:00:22] to feel so good.

[00:00:23] I just need to get there.

[00:00:24] I just need to get there.

[00:00:25] And then you get there and you don't feel anything.

[00:00:28] And you feel worse about that because you're like, man, I sacrificed so much and I did

[00:00:33] so much because I thought I was going to feel this way.

[00:00:36] And now I don't.

[00:00:37] And now I feel even worse.

[00:00:38] I feel like I should be feeling this way and everyone around me is feeling really happy.

[00:00:41] So what's wrong with me?

[00:00:43] Sound familiar if it does you are in the right place.

[00:00:47] Are you a little bit of a perfectionist type A hyper performer?

[00:00:52] Then you know that having the audacity to see an ideal and to bring it into reality can

[00:00:58] be tough, but it doesn't have to be.

[00:01:00] Traditional institutions have taught you that there is a right way to be and a wrong way

[00:01:04] to be and being a perfectionist is not only wrong, but it's problematic.

[00:01:08] Your problem is not that you are a perfectionist.

[00:01:11] The most joyful, extraordinary, fulfilled people on the planet are perfectionists.

[00:01:17] Your problem is that you're not being your full self.

[00:01:21] If you are ready to burn bright instead of burning out, to lead without losing yourself

[00:01:26] and to enjoy the life you have worked so hard to create, then keep listening.

[00:01:31] I'm your host, America's leader on rewiring perfectionism, CLG.

[00:01:37] And this is perfectionism rewired the podcast.

[00:01:41] Welcome to perfectionism rewired in this episode.

[00:01:44] You are getting the inside scoop on the undeniable, extraordinarily unexpected, like, oh my gosh.

[00:01:53] What?

[00:01:54] Yay!

[00:01:55] And highly underrated benefits of rewiring your perfectionism.

[00:02:04] I'm going to start with a story of perfectionism optimized, one-on-one coaching client, Dylan,

[00:02:11] before working together.

[00:02:13] Dylan would get flustered when she presented to her companies,

[00:02:19] Ford of advisors and shareholders.

[00:02:23] She didn't like speaking in front of a lot of people.

[00:02:26] A slide would be out of order, someone would ask a question that she wasn't expecting

[00:02:30] after these meetings, after these presentations.

[00:02:33] Dylan would tell herself that presentation you gave was absolute trash.

[00:02:39] You're bringing your whole team down.

[00:02:41] You are hurting the founder of this company.

[00:02:44] You knew you were punching above your weight when you took on this leadership role.

[00:02:47] Now everyone else can see it too.

[00:02:50] You are a total fraud.

[00:02:51] You don't belong here.

[00:02:53] You always knew it, and now everybody else knows it too.

[00:02:58] In this example of Dylan, she's making herself feel worse with all the self-criticism and

[00:03:04] the whippings.

[00:03:05] She has a lot less energy.

[00:03:07] Like the beatdowns are beating her down.

[00:03:10] And so instead of watching Nancy Duarte on how to give more engaging presentations, she's

[00:03:19] like, that sounds so annoying.

[00:03:21] The punitive behaviors continued for Dylan, but most of us were not even aware of it because

[00:03:28] we're just like, this is just what we do after we mess up.

[00:03:31] And eventually this gets to be overwhelmingly unbearable.

[00:03:37] So what do we do when we're like, oh, I just can't take the pain anymore?

[00:03:42] We numb out.

[00:03:43] Dylan would inhale three bags of pedachyps, even though she'd be like, I wasn't even

[00:03:47] hungry.

[00:03:48] Another glass of wine, even though she's like, I can't even taste it, might as well be

[00:03:51] drinking prune juice.

[00:03:54] When things would get a little still and quiet, like after the kids went to bed, she continued

[00:03:59] replaying other mistakes that she's made.

[00:04:03] Remember in seventh grade at the spelling bee when you know, like just all of them and

[00:04:07] just scanning the kitchen?

[00:04:09] Where else am I a failure?

[00:04:10] Where else have I messed up?

[00:04:12] Where else is Dylan didn't have the skill or the tools that you get inside of perfectionism

[00:04:18] optimized to pattern interrupt this self criticism with curiosity and treating yourself humanely.

[00:04:28] Her mind, just like your mind, it's like you don't have a remote control.

[00:04:34] I wish I had an off button.

[00:04:36] It's just like it's on and it's like blaring all the time.

[00:04:39] You can either submit to that awful voice inside and imprison yourself and let that voice

[00:04:48] be the warden or you can take back the narrative.

[00:04:51] You can change the channel.

[00:04:53] At this point with Dylan, she is convinced.

[00:04:57] She's just awful.

[00:04:58] Guess what happens when you feel you are a terrible mess that's awful?

[00:05:03] You make choices that are awful.

[00:05:06] Why?

[00:05:07] Terrible people, they don't deserve to be empowered.

[00:05:10] They don't deserve to up level their life.

[00:05:13] You know what Dylan did?

[00:05:14] She started overworking.

[00:05:16] Packed her schedule with not even a minute to go to the bathroom in between meetings just

[00:05:22] like filled to the brim.

[00:05:23] She was unable to really prepare for her next presentation.

[00:05:28] It's not like she was unprepared but like she didn't do anything different.

[00:05:32] She was stricter with herself.

[00:05:34] Like you better not mess up when you're like that.

[00:05:36] Instead of expanding, you are shrinking yourself.

[00:05:39] At the next presentation for the board of advisors and the investors, she performed

[00:05:43] worse.

[00:05:44] All of her insecurities of I don't belong here.

[00:05:47] Now everyone sees it.

[00:05:48] Guess what happens?

[00:05:49] They were all confirmed but Dylan didn't even really like feel anything when this happened.

[00:05:57] Why?

[00:05:59] Because her frenetic and frazzled life left her so exhausted that she doesn't even feel

[00:06:09] when she came to me.

[00:06:10] She said, I no longer feel much of anything except I'm tired all the time.

[00:06:13] I asked her, I said, are you tired all the time or have you just divorced feeling anything?

[00:06:20] And we discovered that it wasn't that she was tired all the time.

[00:06:23] It was that she hadn't developed interoceptive awareness yet.

[00:06:27] And through the epic framework, she is no longer tired.

[00:06:31] Now after she does a presentation, she recognizes, hey, this presentation did not go the way

[00:06:39] that I wanted it to go.

[00:06:41] Oh, here's an area where I could improve.

[00:06:44] She says it just like that in a kind way.

[00:06:47] Not like, oh you suck.

[00:06:49] It's like, oh cool.

[00:06:50] Here's an opportunity for me to grow.

[00:06:53] Like how awesome is this?

[00:06:54] Right?

[00:06:55] Exactly.

[00:06:56] And I still have room for growth.

[00:06:58] The difference here, it's like such a slight little nuance and it's like a wedge that

[00:07:03] you're able to put between when you rewire your perfectionism is that it doesn't mean

[00:07:08] anything about her.

[00:07:10] So like having a rough presentation is not a commentary on who she is as a human being.

[00:07:19] So an example that thank you, Dylan, for allowing me and all of us to get a glimpse inside

[00:07:28] your brilliant perfectionistic brain.

[00:07:32] Now her response is, yeah, so I didn't realize that it wasn't actually nervous now that

[00:07:38] I can speak the language of me and interoceptively attuned.

[00:07:42] I realized that I was actually excited and that a lot of times being nervous or anxiety

[00:07:48] is actually my excitement.

[00:07:50] This is really important stuff that I'm sharing with my board of advisors and investors

[00:07:56] and what I'm so proud of myself for is that I messed up and I kept going.

[00:08:03] I didn't apologize for it and you know what?

[00:08:05] No one actually really noticed because no one else knew what I wanted to say and when

[00:08:10] I wanted to say it.

[00:08:11] I was able to like sort of do some improv.

[00:08:13] She said, I'm still cringing right now when I think about it.

[00:08:17] But that's not all that I feel.

[00:08:20] This is where the interoceptive curriculum inside of perfectionism optimized is so clutch

[00:08:26] because at least 50% of the time minimum you are mislabelling your emotions because you

[00:08:34] are not attuned to your interoceptive signals.

[00:08:38] It's not your fault.

[00:08:39] This is happening, but guess what?

[00:08:41] It is your responsibility to fix it.

[00:08:44] Why would you want to go around being illiterate in the only language that matters, speaking

[00:08:48] the language of you and what your inner experience is like?

[00:08:52] Going back to Dylan, she also said I'm proud of myself for trying something new.

[00:08:57] Now I'm super curious about how I can be an even better presenter because feeling good

[00:09:03] gives you more energy and feeling like a piece of poop drains your energy.

[00:09:09] Dylan has improved so meaningfully on her presentation skills and she sees that there's nothing

[00:09:15] to do with her performance but it has to do with the way that she is leading herself.

[00:09:21] If you are a perfectionist, that tends to be an overachiever and type A and driven,

[00:09:28] you have probably noticed by now is that achieving and winning and accomplishing things,

[00:09:33] it doesn't give you the same high on the inside.

[00:09:38] Like, oh, that feels good as it used to.

[00:09:40] In fact, maybe a lot of you go to the next level because you think, this is going to feel

[00:09:44] so good.

[00:09:45] I just need to get there.

[00:09:46] I just need to get there.

[00:09:47] Then you get there and you don't feel anything.

[00:09:51] What happens is that then you feel worse about that because you're like, man, I sacrificed

[00:09:56] so much and I did so much because I thought I was going to feel this way and now I don't

[00:10:00] feel worse.

[00:10:01] I feel like I should be feeling this way and everyone around me is feeling really happy.

[00:10:05] So what's wrong with me?

[00:10:07] Sound familiar if it does you are in the right place.

[00:10:11] Here's the alternative to that.

[00:10:12] When you are using dopamine in a really healthy, sustainable and nutritious way, like the

[00:10:19] way you do inside of perfectionism optimized, even when your brain might be saying that's

[00:10:25] totally not enough, that's not good enough, you should be doing better.

[00:10:29] You learn how to optimize dopamine for your advantage instead of dopamine is something

[00:10:37] that puts you at a disadvantage.

[00:10:41] Most of us perfectionists are used to being hyper vigilant.

[00:10:46] We are living on high alert.

[00:10:49] You know this if you're catastrophizing, ruminating people pleasing, overextending yourself, overthinking.

[00:10:56] And for most of us, we are at the similar level of stress, like the simmering level of

[00:11:04] stress most of the time.

[00:11:08] For many of you in this was me, the only time I don't feel bad is when I sleep and the

[00:11:12] only way that I can get to sleep is to use something else to assist me in doing that or

[00:11:19] I just work myself into exhaustion.

[00:11:21] I literally pass out at my desk on the couch in my child's bed, etc, etc.

[00:11:26] And when we're at this high alert, simmering level, stressy, what happens is that wrecks

[00:11:33] havoc on not only on your body but also on your mental wellness, your emotional wellness,

[00:11:42] your spiritual wellness, your relationships and pretty much everywhere.

[00:11:46] When I'm working with clients inside of perfectionism optimized, my one-on-one coaching for perfectionistic

[00:11:54] people.

[00:11:55] One of our focuses is on emotional agility.

[00:12:00] And as a result of that, you are going to create a more balanced, regulated and coherent nervous

[00:12:08] system.

[00:12:10] Or what I like to call, you are playing the majority of your time in the resilient zone.

[00:12:17] Some people call this your window of tolerance but like let's face it, as perfectionist,

[00:12:22] we have spent way too much time tolerating a lot of crap in our lives.

[00:12:28] And you don't need to spend any more time tolerating, okay?

[00:12:31] Let's upgrade you to the resilient zone.

[00:12:35] Another super cool benefit of rewiring your perfectionism is serotonin.

[00:12:41] Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that moves into being a hormone inside of your body and

[00:12:47] it impacts your overall mood and well-being.

[00:12:52] It is what helps you feel good and it feels good sustainably.

[00:12:56] It is your joy, it is happiness.

[00:13:00] And if you've heard of serotonin before, you've probably heard about it in relation to depression.

[00:13:06] A lot of people think that they're depressed but actually they're a perfectionist.

[00:13:12] And when you rewire your perfectionism, you increase your serotonin tremendously.

[00:13:18] Serotonin, why do we care?

[00:13:20] It is released when you feel relaxed at ease, playful and pleasurable.

[00:13:26] Now serotonin is very different than dopamine.

[00:13:29] Dopamine is the predictor hormone.

[00:13:32] And it is why the perfectionistic brain throws up so much resistance for change because

[00:13:39] all brains are dope fiends.

[00:13:41] And the quickest way to get it is to continue to have a status quo average predictable existence.

[00:13:51] But the thing about dopamine is that it is more like a burst and it feels good in

[00:13:55] the moment.

[00:13:56] So for example, people pleasing right?

[00:13:58] That can feel really good in the moment.

[00:13:59] Dopamine is involved in that.

[00:14:02] And it's because your brain is looking for a quick hit and it gets that quick reward.

[00:14:07] But then what you notice is there is a dip afterwards.

[00:14:10] And that's how you know that it's dopamine because what happens is that you need more and

[00:14:14] more and more in order to get those hits.

[00:14:16] So serotonin has a much longer term impact on your brain so that you're able to experience

[00:14:25] more joy in your normal day-to-day type stuff like carpool or picking up dog poop and not

[00:14:33] just fleeting dopamine hits that are thin and far between.

[00:14:39] So many perfectionists inside of perfectionism optimized start to see this right away.

[00:14:45] Their mood is just overall better.

[00:14:48] They're more calm, what used to set them off like not all the toys are put away or their

[00:14:54] partner said they cleaned the kitchen but really they only ran the dishwasher.

[00:14:58] They're able to like genuinely be happy and actually enjoy playing with their kids

[00:15:04] and not on the low checking their slack channel at work.

[00:15:08] I just think it's so fun to understand the why behind, why is it that I just feel like

[00:15:14] I'm in a better mood?

[00:15:16] This is why.

[00:15:17] It's because of the serotonin and because you are using dopamine for your advantage instead

[00:15:21] of being put at a disadvantage.

[00:15:24] Another benefit to rewiring your perfectionism is you are just so much more resilient.

[00:15:31] I like to think of resilience like buoyancy and so when all kinds of crap pops up in

[00:15:38] your life, you're able to be more resourceful.

[00:15:40] Like instead of always having to feel like you need to know everything and you need to

[00:15:44] be super prepared, you trust yourself that I will be able to handle this.

[00:15:49] Your confidence increases, your self assurance increases.

[00:15:52] You are no longer at the whim of what's happening around you or how all the people that are

[00:15:59] close relationships in your life feel.

[00:16:02] When hard things do pop up, you are creating this system within yourself where you dissolve

[00:16:10] all of the negativity biases, the black and white thinking, just all of those things

[00:16:15] that are getting in your way because the more experiences that you are having that

[00:16:19] you are present, that you are proud of yourself.

[00:16:24] And the more that you focus on them, then you are actually shrinking this part of your

[00:16:30] brain known as the amygdala.

[00:16:33] The amygdala is our alarm bell system.

[00:16:36] It's what kicks off the stress cycle in your body.

[00:16:40] And if you have a go getter amygdala, that means that there's a lot of things that bother

[00:16:45] you.

[00:16:46] Rewiring your perfectionism, it's creating a peaceful powerhouse connected self where you

[00:16:56] can actually shrink this whole alarm bell system and you can make yourself more available to

[00:17:02] experiencing your life and being present instead of ruminating or catastrophizing or planning

[00:17:10] every single minute while thinking about everything that might go wrong in the next six

[00:17:15] years of your life.

[00:17:17] Another benefit of rewiring your perfectionism is that it increases your mental focus.

[00:17:23] Why?

[00:17:24] Because you are training your perfectionist brain to focus on what you want it to focus

[00:17:30] on, not on what it is focusing on.

[00:17:33] The more that you are developing this skill of increasing your mental focus, the more

[00:17:40] you're going to be able to use that focus when you're trying to go to sleep, when you

[00:17:46] are getting intimate with someone and you want to be able to like, I just really want

[00:17:50] to be able to be present.

[00:17:52] This will help you so you are not losing your shit on your kids when there are being complete

[00:17:58] heathens.

[00:17:59] The number one thing, clients inside of perfectionism, optimize share as their biggest area of transformation

[00:18:06] beyond rewired perfectionism and the ability to quit fighting against themselves is the

[00:18:13] newfound love and acceptance they have for themselves.

[00:18:19] And when you have truly not only learned but mastered the skill of playing on your own

[00:18:26] team, it's so much easier to speak up and advocate for what you want and to go after

[00:18:34] those maybe someday dreams of yours that you're like, you have it not for me.

[00:18:38] You're like, oh yes, for me.

[00:18:40] And you were just able to show up as a bolder version of yourself because the worst thing

[00:18:45] that's going to happen is things are not going to go as planned.

[00:18:49] But guess what?

[00:18:50] Even if things don't go as planned, you have changed your own inner narrator.

[00:18:54] Like you no longer let potential judgment or rejection or hurting someone's feelings

[00:19:00] hold you back.

[00:19:01] And you are in this perfectionism positive state.

[00:19:07] You open up all of these possibilities and you make choices that are in alignment with

[00:19:14] the positive future.

[00:19:16] Instead of right now, I bet that you are making choices that have to do if I want to avoid

[00:19:22] this bad thing happening.

[00:19:24] Like I want to make sure this doesn't happen so I'm going to do this.

[00:19:26] There is a huge difference between running towards something like, oh yes, I want

[00:19:31] that versus, oh my gosh, please don't eat me running away.

[00:19:34] Like there's a difference between getting my butt to work today because I don't want

[00:19:39] to be fired and homeless living on a bridge versus I get to go to work today.

[00:19:45] I get to make my contribution.

[00:19:49] I get to work with people that help make me smart.

[00:19:52] Like do you know what I mean?

[00:19:53] Like there's such a difference between that.

[00:19:55] This right here is where perfectionism leverage comes in and provides a proven approach

[00:20:01] that starts on the inside as it works its way to the outside.

[00:20:06] Do you know how to instantly calm yourself on this spot?

[00:20:09] No matter where you are, no matter how extreme the stress.

[00:20:13] You can stop letting other people or like petty things control your mood.

[00:20:18] You don't have all that negative self talk that's like, you know, going all the time

[00:20:22] and you actually can create emotional poise and not because you're numbing yourself or

[00:20:27] you're smiling and pretending that it doesn't matter.

[00:20:30] If that is you, why struggle?

[00:20:31] I've done the heavy lifting for you.

[00:20:34] Perfectionism is very powerful when you know how to leverage it.

[00:20:37] It's the most useful skill that you could ever learn and it's a skill that will be with

[00:20:41] you for generations.

[00:20:43] If you want some of that all you got to do is take the first step and you can go for it

[00:20:47] at cornyloofgavin.com.

[00:20:49] Listen up taking charge of your perfectionism is so much easier than you have been led

[00:20:55] to believe.

[00:20:56] Whether you want to stop playing out worst case scenarios in your head or be joyfully

[00:21:00] present and vicious again, you don't need more rigid rules, guesswork or hard work

[00:21:07] in perfectionism recovery.

[00:21:09] You need a framework that helps you understand and most importantly rewire your perfectionistic

[00:21:15] habits from the inside out.

[00:21:17] It starts inside of perfectionism optimised.

[00:21:21] Besides the obvious mental health and wellness benefits, rewiring your perfectionism

[00:21:25] is the fastest way to figure out what's really underneath your perfectionistic patterns.

[00:21:32] This radically different proven proprietary approach helps you succeed by dropping the

[00:21:38] contempt and judgment that blocks change.

[00:21:42] Discover how to trust yourself, take control of your world and feel truly empowered

[00:21:48] to own your perfectionism instead of being owned by it.

[00:21:53] Head on over to cornyloofgavin.com and start your transformation today.