Ever feel like you're constantly walking a tightrope? Expected to be confident but not too intimidating. Be assertive, but don't get aggressive. As women in leadership we've developed coping mechanisms to navigate these obstacles - like over-preparing, always getting it right and making sure we're well liked. These strategies have kept us afloat, but at what cost? Putting our careers ahead of our values, keeping one eye on the inbox even at the playground. So, how do we break free from this cycle? How do we burn bright without burning out and lead without losing ourselves? Your answers are inside this episode. .
On paper, you’ve got it together— isn’t it time you felt like it? Whether it's becoming much more DECISIVE in everything you do, PRESENCE with your family on vacation or turning down the volume on self-criticism, Perfectionism Optimized, private 1-1 coaching gives you the life-long skills to *finally feel* as amazing on the inside as your life looks on the outside. Get your stress-free start today at https://courtneylovegavin.com/optimized
Perfectionism Rewired is committed to truth and accuracy through a perfectionist affirming lens, offering cutting-edge research on perfectionism, interoception + neuroscience, for the practical perfectionist who wants to enjoy the life they've worked so hard to create.
Perfectionism is very powerful. But only if you know how to leverage it. For more on optimizing your perfectionist tendencies go to courtneylovegavin.com
[00:00:00] When you are praised for being amazing, I don't know how she does it. She's a machine. She's just getting so much done. Requesting an assistant feels like it's off limits to you. When what keeps you on this pedestal is being so giving, prioritizing yourself
[00:00:18] and even voicing your own needs just feels like it's out of the question. This is why we ruminate endlessly about the conversations we wish we would be having and the words that we could say only if we could get it right at the right time.
[00:00:33] And for sure, know the outcome that it will bring and that it will be in our favor. If you are ready to burn bright instead of burning out to lead without losing yourself and to enjoy the life you have worked so hard to create, then keep listening.
[00:00:47] I'm your host, America's leader on rewiring perfectionism, CLG. And this is Perfectionism Rewired, the podcast. Welcome to Perfectionism Rewired. Today, we are talking about why perfectionism coaching is essential for women in leadership. Leadership is not just in the workplace.
[00:01:08] To give you some insight, before I opened my private practice, Perfectionist Solutions, I worked in corporate for 20 years as a public relations executive. I was one of two females at the executive table. I was speaking, but I wasn't being heard.
[00:01:30] And as a professional communicator, I had a lot of judgment about that. I had used all of the tools in my own toolbox and I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere. I was under earning and my experience is not unique, unfortunately, where what got you
[00:01:50] here won't get you there. This episode is going to highlight the conflicting expectations that we get. Like speak up, but make sure you do it nicely. I'm going to reveal to you the coping mechanisms we have developed in order to
[00:02:04] navigate the obstacles that are imposed by societal conditioning. You will also find out why the role of perfectionism coaching ultra specifically addressed the challenges uniquely faced by women in leadership, even if you don't identify as a perfectionist.
[00:02:20] And then I'm also going to be giving you the most significant impact perfectionism coaching makes to women in leadership. So let's get into it. I want you to listen to these conflicting expectations and keep track of how many
[00:02:33] you might not agree with, but you are like, oh yeah, that has been ingrained in me or there is some unconscious programming around that. You have been told and conditioned with some or all of the following to
[00:02:48] speak up, but make sure you do it nicely to share your opinion. But don't rock the boat. Yes, of course, we know that you're a real human, but act robotic and do not make a mistake ever. Emotions are normal, but please stick to this narrow range of pre-approved
[00:03:07] emotions and don't really express your emotions because it makes us very uncomfortable to see your emotions. Please don't ever get emotional. Yes, you have needs and wants, but only bring them up when it's convenient for everyone else.
[00:03:22] And before you do that, make sure that you've met everyone else's needs and wants. You're told to be strong, but not intimidating or overbearing. Be confident, but also leave lots of room just in case you might have possibly maybe gotten something wrong.
[00:03:38] Be smart, but not too smart because that could be intimidating. And you don't want to be intimidating because it is much better to be liked than it is to be feared. You want to limit the amount of times that you ask for things directly
[00:03:52] because when you ask for things directly, it can make you come across as too aggressive or God forbid pushy. And we don't want you to be pushy. Okay. You need to be patient because of that conditioning. We as women develop strategies that help us rise up as leaders.
[00:04:11] Like if we avoid taking risks, we are safer. If we make zero mistakes, we won't be judged. If we do the best work, we will be recognized. Being extra, extra hard on ourselves prevents mistakes. We need all the external validation that we can get because that means
[00:04:30] that people like us that we're doing it right. If we control everything, everything will go according to plan. Nobody can do it as good as we can do it. So we might as well do it ourselves. Compartmentalize as much as possible.
[00:04:44] Who you are at work, who you are as a person, who you are as a parent, who you are as a partner. Asking for support. If you were strong, you'd be able to do it without support. All of those worked like those were fantastic coping mechanisms.
[00:04:58] They worked until they stopped, like they work until they don't anymore. They start working against you. Every tool can be a weapon. Now you're feeling the weaponized side effect like the compulsive need to prove yourself. The belief that if something comes easy, you didn't earn it
[00:05:16] so that you always need to struggle and not being able to discern the difference between working hard and hard work. Unfortunately, it leads a lot of women in leadership to putting your career ahead of your values. You say that you really value your family, for example,
[00:05:35] but you're always keeping one eye on the inbox when you're at the playground. You feel that you always need to be connected. So you treat weekends as a time to catch up on work and hold vacations in contempt because going on vacation
[00:05:52] just means that you have to cram all the work you would do on vacation into a finite amount of days. If this episode is resonating, which we know that it is because you're still listening, that means that you need new tools
[00:06:07] and skills that ultra specifically address the challenges uniquely faced by women in leadership. Because when you are told over and over again to not rock the boat, speaking up legit feels terrifying. And when you are rewarded for keeping your head down and going with the flow, saying something
[00:06:27] that might step on people's toes, that just doesn't feel like it's an option. When you are praised for being amazing, I don't know how she does it. She's a machine. She's just getting so much done. Requesting an assistant feels like it's off limits to you.
[00:06:44] When you are constantly promoted for being a team player, disagreeing feels like impossible. There's no way I could ever do that. When what keeps you on this pedestal is being so giving, prioritizing yourself and even voicing your own needs just feels like it's out of the question.
[00:07:05] When you're taught that you need others to approve of your decisions, you can't talk until you can find the exact right words and the exact right time that will convince them and get them on your side because you can't disappoint anyone.
[00:07:22] This is why we feel so frickin' frustrated. This is why the words catch in our throat. This is why we ruminate endlessly about the conversations. We wish we would be having and the words that we could say only if we could get it right at the right time
[00:07:39] and for sure know the outcome that it will bring and that it will be in our favor. We keep ourselves in a prison of conflict and tension, but what I do not want anyone to do is to blame. Blaming is what victims do. This is not the place.
[00:07:56] I'm not Olivia Benson. This is not Special Victims Unit. Even if it is your childhood's fault or your parents' fault or patriarchy, it is still your responsibility to solve it. So like you can blame all you want. It doesn't change that it is your responsibility to solve.
[00:08:13] When you understand why you are doing what you are doing, when it occurs, it is so much simpler for you to solve. This is why the most significant impact perfectionism coaching makes to women in leadership is that you have the skills, the ability and the confidence
[00:08:32] to handle whatever comes your way. You no longer need to think about how you're going to say something. You have this attitude of curiosity. You are flexible in responding to challenges because you're no longer catastrophizing worst case scenarios. You're assertive and you are quicker to advocate for yourself
[00:08:50] and you have this quality of dignity under stress where you are able to feel grounded and centered. I want you to imagine what a difference this would make in your day to day. How much energy this would free up for you.
[00:09:03] Think about the example that you would be setting for your children and your family by being this person. Think about the traction that you would get. You would be living with integrity in the highest possibilities of yourself.
[00:09:16] And in order to do this, you don't need to do more, be better or try harder. Like you got enough on your plate as it is. All you need is this perfectionism coaching so much easier. This is what I do for and with my clients every day.
[00:09:31] Inside of perfectionism optimized, I give you all the resources and coaching so you develop the skills to value your own opinion above everyone else's. You're no longer threatened by making the wrong decision or rocking the boat. You no longer need a rule book.
[00:09:50] Instead of needing to anticipate over prepare and control everything, you're able to be present because you have changed the way that you are being. Instead of what you're doing, it allows you to catalyze this emergence of extraordinary leadership in all aspects of your life.
[00:10:10] Like you think that you're waiting for the right time or you think that you're waiting for the right words. But the truth booth is you don't know or feel capable in your ability to handle whatever arises from you asserting yourself. It starts with learning how to tolerate
[00:10:29] and get comfortable with the uncomfy feelings of panic and fear that come up when you say what you actually want to say. Another benefit perfectionism coaching for women in leadership is you're able to be more resourceful. Like instead of always having to feel like
[00:10:48] you need to know everything and you need to be super prepared, you trust yourself that I will be able to handle this. Your confidence increases, your self-assurance increases. You are no longer at the whim of what's happening around you or how all the people that are close relationships
[00:11:06] in your life feel. When hard things do pop up, you are creating this system within yourself where you dissolve all of the negativity biases, the black and white thinking, just all of those things that are getting in your way because the more experiences that you are having,
[00:11:25] that you are present, that you are proud of yourself and the more that you focus on them, then you are actually shrinking this part of your brain known as the amygdala. The amygdala is our alarm bell system. It's what kicks off the stress cycle in your body.
[00:11:45] Another benefit of perfectionism coaching for women in leadership, even if you don't identify as a perfectionist, is that it increases your mental focus. Why? Because you are training your brain to focus on what you want it to focus on, not on what it is focusing on.
[00:12:04] The more that you are developing this skill of increasing your mental focus, the more you're going to be able to use that focus when you're trying to go to sleep, when you are getting intimate with someone and you wanna be able to like,
[00:12:21] I just really wanna be able to be present. This will help you so you are not losing your shit on your kids when there are being complete heathens. It's so much easier to speak up and advocate for what you want. You no longer let potential judgment or rejection
[00:12:38] or hurting someone's feelings hold you back. You make choices that are in alignment with the positive future. Instead of right now, I bet that you are making choices that have to do of I want to avoid this bad thing happening.
[00:12:55] Learning how to be present for the amazingness in your life, how to turn your head and pay attention to what's going right. And when you practice orienting your brain towards the good and also being present in the moment, that is a skill that you carry everywhere with you.
[00:13:11] Clients will celebrate being fully present with their partner and really enjoying them on a date or being fully present with their kids at the beach or like loving their vacation more than they ever have before because they're not thinking about all the work
[00:13:24] they're gonna have to do where they get home. This and so much more is what you get inside of perfectionism optimized. It's where the little things change the big things and the little things are revolutionary. If you have resonated with any of this podcast episode,
[00:13:41] then go to CourtneyLoveGavin.com slash optimize. There is also a link in the show notes. Listen up. Taking charge of your perfectionism is so much easier than you have been led to believe. Whether you want to stop playing out worst case scenarios
[00:13:56] in your head or be joyfully present ambitious again, you don't need more rigid rules, guesswork or hard work in perfectionism recovery. You need a framework that helps you understand and most importantly rewire your perfectionistic habits from the inside out. It starts inside of perfectionism optimized.
[00:14:19] Besides the obvious mental health and wellness benefits, rewiring your perfectionism is the fastest way to figure out what's really underneath your perfectionistic patterns. This radically different proven proprietary approach helps you succeed by dropping the contempt and judgment that blocks change.
[00:14:40] Discover how to trust yourself, take control of your world and feel truly empowered to own your perfectionism instead of being owned by it. Head on over to CourtneyLoveGavin.com and start your transformation today.