What if your self critic is actually a caring signal from your unconscious, warning you of danger ahead + to get off this path? Your self critic is not the enemy; it's an alarm bell from your body. But it's near impossible to listen to it with all the NOISE + stigma surrounding criticism, self-love and self-compassion. Discover the health consequences of self-criticism and lessons from pro-athlete perfectionist who finally figured it out. This is the third episode in the self-criticism trilogy.
I'm inviting you into the one place that can make your self critic a thing of the past— all you gotta do is take the first step. Go for it today at https://courtneylovegavin.com/optimized
Ep. 214 Timestamps
02:04-The Iceberg of Self-Criticism
03:27-Why Traditional Self Critic Approaches Fail Perfectionists
04:37-Lessons From Pro-Athlete Perfectionism Optimized Client
07:07-Link Between Cancer + Inner Critic
08:02-From Criticism to Critical Condition IRL
09:11-Making the Choice to Change
Truth + Accuracy In This Episode Is Brought To You By:
- Campos, R. C., Holden, R. R., Caçador, B., Ana Sofia Fragata, & Baleizão, C. (2018). Self-criticism, intensity of perceived negative life events, and distress: Results from a two-wave study. Personality and Individual Differences, 124, 145–149. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2017.12.004
- Ferrari, M., Ciarrochi, J., Yap, K., Baljinder Sahdra, & Hayes, S. C. (2022). Embracing the Complexity of our Inner Worlds: Understanding the Dynamics of Self-Compassion and Self-Criticism. Mindfulness, 13(7), 1652–1661. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-022-01897-5
- Thakur, N., & Baumann, N. (2022). Breaking the anxious cycle of self-criticism: Action orientation buffers the detrimental effects of a self-critical personality style. Journal of Affective Disorders, 301, 30–35. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2022.01.014
Perfectionism Rewired is committed to truth and accuracy through a perfectionist affirming lens, offering cutting-edge research on perfectionism, interoception + neuroscience, for the practical perfectionist who wants to enjoy the life they've worked so hard to create.
Perfectionism is very powerful. But only if you know how to leverage it. For more on optimizing your perfectionist tendencies go to perfectionist.solutions
[00:00:00] Hello, before we start today's episode, if you would like a condensed version of what
[00:00:06] I'm talking about in this podcast, go ahead and subscribe to the Perfectionist Guide.
[00:00:14] You can read the entire thing in three minutes or less.
[00:00:17] To access this, go to CourtneyLupGavin.com slash newsletter.
[00:00:23] Are you a bit of a perfectionist?
[00:00:25] Type A hyper performer?
[00:00:27] When you know what it is like when your perfectionism is a constant god, awful companion, but
[00:00:33] it doesn't have to be.
[00:00:35] Traditional institutions have taught you that there is a right way to be and a wrong way
[00:00:39] to be.
[00:00:40] And being a perfectionist is not only wrong, but it's problematic.
[00:00:43] Your problem is not that you are a perfectionist.
[00:00:47] Some of the most joyful, extraordinary, fulfilled people on the planet are perfectionists.
[00:00:52] Your problem is that you're not being your full self.
[00:00:57] If you're ready to burn bright instead of burning out, to lead without losing yourself
[00:01:02] and to enjoy the life you have worked so hard to create, then keep listening.
[00:01:07] I'm your host, America's leader on rewiring perfectionism, CLG, and this is perfectionism
[00:01:15] rewired, the podcast.
[00:01:17] Welcome to Perfectionism Rewired.
[00:01:19] Today we're talking about what your self-critic is actually trying to tell you.
[00:01:26] And what most perfectionists tend to get it confused with.
[00:01:32] This is the third episode in the trilogy on what is underneath that self-criticism I
[00:01:39] spurred and why at least 95% of driven type A go-getter perfectionists, just like you,
[00:01:49] continue to not only struggle with their self-critic but it gets worse.
[00:01:54] Like you've tried therapy, you've done the kumbaya, the self-compassion, the like surface
[00:02:00] level life coaching and it's gotten worse.
[00:02:04] If I were to ask you how this year compared to last year, you would probably tell me
[00:02:09] it's gotten worse, like the symptoms.
[00:02:11] Y'all know now that self-criticism is the 10% the top of the iceberg that you can see.
[00:02:17] It is a symptom and when you treat the symptom you don't get a solution.
[00:02:22] You get a bandaid fix.
[00:02:23] It would be like if I left my front door open and squirrels and raccoons,
[00:02:29] pros, all this wildlife from Santa Monica, California where my home is.
[00:02:33] If they all were inside it was like enchanted, I love that movie.
[00:02:38] And instead of closing the door, I was just scooping them out the back porch.
[00:02:44] Instead of being like, hey, our homes front doors are wide open.
[00:02:49] You know what I mean?
[00:02:50] And the window.
[00:02:51] So it's like you got 10 feet of just like open, like hey, come on in.
[00:02:55] It's the same thing with the self-critic.
[00:02:58] What you're going to learn in this episode is what your self-critic is actually trying
[00:03:02] to tell you and why you have not been able to solve for it yet.
[00:03:06] If you haven't listened to the previous two episodes press pause,
[00:03:10] I'll be right here for you when you're done listening to them because it will give
[00:03:13] you a leg up on listening to this episode.
[00:03:17] So go listen to the previous two episodes and then come back and listen to this one.
[00:03:21] I'm pretending that we're all here in a room and the people who are going to go back
[00:03:25] and listen to the other two episodes are gone.
[00:03:26] And now, I'm going to give you the good stuff.
[00:03:29] The self-criticism going at it from a logical mindset level or what they call a top down
[00:03:38] approach.
[00:03:39] It actually exacerbates the symptoms of perfectionism, especially self-criticism.
[00:03:47] Maybe you are like my client Jake, for example, where Jake tried so hard.
[00:03:54] Took all of Kristen Neff's courses on self-compassion.
[00:03:59] Like Yen Yoga, I think he went on like an inner child retreat.
[00:04:06] He is in a very, very public and high pressure career.
[00:04:14] He has a family that he loves and enjoys.
[00:04:18] He has hobbies, he has friends, boards that he's on and all of that.
[00:04:23] And it was getting to the point where it was just like this is not sustainable.
[00:04:27] I was able to clear up the self-criticism his first week of us coaching together because
[00:04:32] I gave him the skills and the tools.
[00:04:35] All the other ones had him in giving them.
[00:04:37] But I'm going to tell you that I told him on his consultation which I think was the reason
[00:04:42] why Jake gave you your listening to this.
[00:04:43] Like let me know if it's not.
[00:04:44] Was the reason why he was like, fuck yeah, let's do this.
[00:04:49] When you are having the self-criticism, it's just like on-stand.
[00:04:54] It's not going away.
[00:04:55] You keep overachieving, you keep going great and that always finds something to nitpick
[00:04:59] off.
[00:05:00] You're like, where's the off button or at least a mute button?
[00:05:03] What that's telling you?
[00:05:06] You're full of dress.
[00:05:09] You thought I was going to say something else didn't you?
[00:05:10] You're full of stress.
[00:05:11] Meaning, your person has not been properly metabolizing the stress that is in your body.
[00:05:19] Let's say there is a colleague of yours, Annoying Andy.
[00:05:24] He always takes credit for other people's work and he makes a comment during a meeting
[00:05:32] and it takes every bit of restraint inside of you to not want to leap across the table.
[00:05:38] K-KIM, what's your problem?
[00:05:41] We don't do that because it's a sea level exact meeting.
[00:05:44] You actually like your job minus Annoying Andy and you're just not willing to let Annoying
[00:05:49] Andy be the reason why security has scorched you out of the building.
[00:05:54] Maybe you'll remove yourself from the meeting.
[00:05:56] You're like, oh hey, actually this kind of emergency just came up.
[00:05:59] Gotta go.
[00:06:00] That's dealing with the stress sore, the source of your stress in the moment.
[00:06:06] That's Annoying Andy.
[00:06:07] The internal activation that is happening within your body, the distress that you're unconscious
[00:06:13] and subconscious are feeling what happens over time, the stress that remark that Annoying
[00:06:21] Andy made, the person who cut you off exiting the freeway.
[00:06:26] These stressors filled up over time.
[00:06:30] We as smart, driven, type A ambitious perfectionistic people, we are effing pros at removing the
[00:06:39] stressor.
[00:06:40] We obliterate the stressor but the stress internally that our system is experiencing.
[00:06:49] You're unconscious on your subconscious to them, the stressor never went away.
[00:06:54] They don't know that.
[00:06:55] They don't have the ability that your conscious mind does.
[00:06:58] Over the years, decades it builds up, it just goes and it builds and it builds and it
[00:07:04] just keeps getting bigger and bigger inside of you.
[00:07:07] You know what is the number one cause of stress?
[00:07:09] You fighting against yourself.
[00:07:12] The way it comes out at first is with the self criticism.
[00:07:18] It's almost like your unconscious and subconscious is hijacked that part of you because it doesn't
[00:07:27] know what else to do.
[00:07:28] It's like, hey, here pay attention to something here.
[00:07:31] Hey we're over capacity here.
[00:07:33] We're going to combust if this is happening to you.
[00:07:36] You want to get on this now because you know what other systems that starts to hijack?
[00:07:41] If it hasn't already your immune system, your cardiovascular system, the largest organ
[00:07:47] in our body, your skin, your reproductive system, your digestive system, your body is attacking
[00:07:56] itself.
[00:07:57] If you're experiencing this self-critic inside of you, I'm speaking to you from being
[00:08:04] a perfectionist whose health was in critical condition at one point.
[00:08:09] It was all the above.
[00:08:10] It was like this is literally killing you.
[00:08:13] It's being told it was really when it started to affect the things that other people could
[00:08:18] see like having a staff infection on the middle of your face every week and feeling like
[00:08:24] quasi-motor.
[00:08:25] That's what it took for me.
[00:08:26] It doesn't matter what the reason is for you just to side.
[00:08:32] You have this information now, what are you going to do with it?
[00:08:35] Right here in this moment is an opportunity for you to make a decision.
[00:08:40] To enter critic, the judgemental, the anxious overthinking, the people pleasing.
[00:08:44] It's not going to get better until you do something about it.
[00:08:47] Listen into a podcast isn't doing something about it and look, you got options, okay?
[00:08:53] Either you can get rewired or you can keep on doing what you've been doing but we know
[00:09:00] how that is going to work out for you.
[00:09:02] And also I get it like this right here will be a level up.
[00:09:07] It is you standing taller.
[00:09:09] And that can feel scary sometimes.
[00:09:12] It's uncharted territory like ooh, the unfamiliar.
[00:09:15] I get that.
[00:09:16] I want you to be able to joyfully live with the decision that you may.
[00:09:22] I don't want you to regret or whitenuckle or have a kota shita wooda.
[00:09:26] Like what if I would have gone in that perfectionism optimized coaching program?
[00:09:30] Pick one which one is going to be your move.
[00:09:34] Go for that and then go all in on that.
[00:09:39] When you don't, you're going to be frustrating yourself and you're going to be spending
[00:09:44] money on things that you think are going to be helpful or I'm going to do this horse
[00:09:48] for recovering perfectionist.
[00:09:50] I'm going to do the call map meditation.
[00:09:53] I'm just going to listen to more podcasts like all this hot scotchene is going to help
[00:09:57] me.
[00:09:58] And it's not.
[00:09:59] I see and I hear from too many brilliant perfectionistic people that get caught up in
[00:10:07] this microwave 30 seconds thing like microwave 30 seconds 30 seconds and just like hoping
[00:10:14] that your self criticism is going to like disappear.
[00:10:17] If you just do little 30 second little 30 seconds and like rewiring yourself, this is legit
[00:10:24] like beef jerky.
[00:10:26] This is tamales those are the things that I could think of that I know take like a
[00:10:30] longer time to become delicious itself criticism is sort of part of your DNA.
[00:10:37] Your family of origin or your culture or there have been lots of experiences in your
[00:10:43] life that when you were listening to the first two episodes, you're like, yep, that's
[00:10:47] me.
[00:10:48] That's me.
[00:10:49] Oh, that's definitely me if you do decide that you're like I want to rewire.
[00:10:53] I don't want myself criticism to turn into cancer or for me to pass the self-loathing
[00:10:58] legacy on to the tiny humans in my life.
[00:11:02] If that is you, I have three spots open right now in my one on one coaching practice perfectionism
[00:11:10] optimized.
[00:11:11] Once these three spots are gone, they're gone until I have some other openings.
[00:11:17] I don't know when that could be.
[00:11:19] That could be six months from now could be a year from now.
[00:11:24] If you want to get in your best bet is to come in now because this door that I'm opening
[00:11:30] for you right now, it may not swing open for you again.
[00:11:33] You may hear me talking about it but that door may not swing open for you and you'll be
[00:11:38] on the wait list just like everybody else.
[00:11:40] By the way, I don't take on all the clients that I could because I only want to give you
[00:11:45] my best.
[00:11:46] My best means that I have a spacious schedule so like for me to have three spots that are
[00:11:51] open right now is like a major major like opportunities.
[00:11:54] If you made the decision, yes, let's go to cornelegavin.com slash optimized.