What Fear of Failure is Masking

[00:00:00] It's why you might actually be very successful already, and everyone in your orbit thinks that you've got all your shit together. But inside, you still feel inadequate. You still feel like it's not enough.

[00:00:14] Why the Perspectacles that you are looking through, the way that you are viewing the world is that you're not good enough. Fear of Failure protects you from not feeling good enough, because if you're not moving forward, if you're waiting, you're not actively failing.

[00:00:34] If you are ready to burn bright instead of burning out, to lead without losing yourself and to enjoy the life you have worked so hard to create, then keep listening. I'm your host, America's leader on rewiring perfectionism, CLG, and this is Perfectionism Rewired, the podcast.

[00:00:54] Welcome to Perfectionism Rewired. Today we're talking about why we fear failure. Specifically, what is underneath the fear of failure? Saying that you have a fear of failure is a really great way to stay stuck from what is actually underneath that.

[00:01:11] And so today I am going to reveal to you what is underneath the fear of failure, the many ways that it can show up.

[00:01:21] Why popular advice for overcoming fear of failure is not helpful for people with perfectionistic tendencies and practical steps that you can take that are helpful.

[00:01:35] I was coaching four different clients about this specific pattern this week, and I was reminded about how much can hold us back when you're not aware of what's causing it.

[00:01:49] And once I revealed to my clients what I'm giving to you in this episode, I'm confident that this episode will do the same thing for you. So let's get into it. Fear of Failure doesn't always show up as fear of failure.

[00:02:05] It is nuanced. It might be showing up for you right now as you are waiting. You're waiting for more time, you're waiting for more confidence, you're waiting for a different time when the kids are back in school. Maybe you're even waiting for more support.

[00:02:19] Those are just some of the many ways that perfectionists love waiting. If you're like, hey, CLG, I don't really wait around much in my life. I'm just one of those people that like, I just go for it.

[00:02:32] Waiting for fear of failure for you might be disguised as indecision, confusion or overwhelm. Or needing to solve all potential imaginary problems before you start. What is underneath your fear of failure? And this isn't always a conscious thing. I'm talking to you about what happens underneath the surface.

[00:02:56] You're doing everything in your power to avoid any sort of confirmation that you're not good enough. You want to fly above the seat of judgment. You stick to what you're really, really good at. Maybe you choose to not do new things or to take up new hobbies.

[00:03:10] It's why you might actually be very successful already. And everyone in your orbit thinks that you've got all your shit together. But inside, you still feel inadequate. You still feel like it's not enough. Why?

[00:03:24] The perspectives that you are looking through, the way that you are viewing the world. Is that you're not good enough. Fear of failure protects you from not feeling good enough. Because if you're not moving forward, if you're waiting, you're not actively failing.

[00:03:44] When there's an incongruence between what you consciously intellectually desire and what you feel at a subconscious level, the subconscious always overrules what your logical mind wants and drives the action. Your subconscious will always win and will always control your behaviors unless you are actively rewiring your neural pathways,

[00:04:07] which is something that we do together when you are a private client inside of perfectionism. Optimize one-on-one coaching. When you're a driven successful perfectionist and you have black and white thinking, let's say you believe that you're a good student and school comes easily to you.

[00:04:25] If you are pursuing your PhD and you're having to put a lot of effort into it, like it's not coming as easily, your subconscious views that as a sign of inadequacy, which what? Abort, abort, abort. Potentially gathering evidence for the belief that you have spent your whole life

[00:04:43] trying to run away from, which is that you're not good enough. When you are someone that has been praised for your excellence, for your intelligence, for being really good at things, you end up going into babysitting mode. That's what I call it, where you're babysitting your brilliance.

[00:05:03] You're shrinking your world. You're saying no to opportunities. You're procrastinating and how you know this is you. If you find yourself thinking, for example, if I really tried my best, I would totally be successful in this. When we're saying those things,

[00:05:19] we stop ourselves from actually going all in and going for it because we're terrified that we will fail. And through that failure, we will be unable to pick ourselves back up, that we will be unable to figure it out,

[00:05:36] that we will be unable to get back in the game. How this would show up for me in school is I would start a new class, I would get extremely organized, I would get my assignments done early, I would get my studying done early,

[00:05:49] but then all of a sudden, I would start procrastinating until the last minute. Let's say I didn't do so well on an exam, then I would be able to say, I would have done so much better if I hadn't procrastinated. Or let's say I did really well,

[00:06:04] which is what would happen to me in school, then what I would get to say to myself is, well, imagine how good I would have done if I didn't procrastinate. What both of those are protecting us from

[00:06:18] is that if we actually put in all the time and effort in studying, and then we still didn't do as good on the exam, then that would have us go face to face with, maybe you're not good enough. It's always going to be extremely painful

[00:06:33] when you're in that black and white thinking, and you're thinking this is as good as I am and I'll never evolve. Like, I'm not good enough and I never will be good enough. When you are a rewired perfectionist, you are not intimidated by falling flat on your face

[00:06:48] because you know that it doesn't mean anything about you and your abilities. And if you mess up, it's not identity shattering because you have formed a titanium foundation and conviction in yourself. If I'm reading you like a menu in this episode, your identity is most likely built

[00:07:10] on a shaky foundation around your potential, external validation and your output. What it is that you're able to do. This is why so many perfectionists have trouble relaxing and every single second of the day needs to be productive. Why? Because you're believing that your value

[00:07:29] is based on your output. But at the same time, you're actually sabotaging. It's like you're trying to be productive as possible because a huge part of you is like, what will happen if I'm not as productive? What will happen if I waste time?

[00:07:42] Now, if you are shaking your head, yes. If you are thinking this is so me, we're gonna step into the truth right now. Do you wanna get to the end of your life? And on your tombstone, it says here lies your name

[00:07:55] who had so much potential and never did anything with it. Do you want that to be the story of your life that you had potential? It's really like zooming out and thinking about what will I want for myself when I get to the end of my life?

[00:08:13] Your 110 year old self, they don't want, oh yeah. I just believed that I was full of potential but I was too scared to really do anything about it because I had this fear of failure that I think is tied to me believing

[00:08:26] that I'm not good enough, that I heard on a podcast but I never did anything about it. No, you're not wanting that. Because the ironic thing is, that as a perfectionist, we actually have the Ferrari drive to make everything that our vision sees as possible happen.

[00:08:43] That's why perfectionist solutions, my coaching practice exists. Fear of failure, rewiring, it's like surfing where you can understand intellectually how surfing works, like there's a board, you're paddling out to the waves, you're balancing on the board, you're catching the wave at the right time

[00:09:00] you could read books about how to become an expert surfer and watch all the YouTube videos on technique but you can actually create new neural pathways where you learn how to ride the waves until you get in the water. And at first, guess what?

[00:09:17] You're gonna wobble like crazy and you will probably fall over a lot of the time and you could either make all the stumbling mean that you're pathetic and you're never gonna be able to surf or you can just make it mean

[00:09:28] that this is part of learning something new and that this is a sign that your brain is growing in neurons, the wobbling and the following down that is part of the process and it means that you are on the right track.

[00:09:40] It does not mean that you should throw in the towel. This is the difference between victims versus powerhouse perfectionists who are in charge. Victims tell you mistakes aren't allowed and failures are a sign that you can't change. Powerful perfectionists understand that stumbles are normal

[00:09:56] and behind every setback is actually a stepping stone that you can learn to grow and evolve and understand yourself better. This is what is so transformative for clients when they embark on this work with me. Over and over again, I hear them say,

[00:10:13] oh my gosh, I'm suddenly no longer afraid of backsliding all the progress that I've made with my perfectionism because I no longer believe that I have to be perfect 100% of the time. I'm no longer afraid of failure. That is a sign that you are changing

[00:10:30] your perfectionism from the inside out. When you know that no matter what happens, you're not gonna quit on yourself and you are playing on your own team and you are gonna take whatever happens, you're gonna find the diamonds in the mud.

[00:10:44] You're gonna be curious, you're gonna excavate it and like you're willing to wash it off and you are willing to learn and grow from the experience. Most perfectionists, they'll go out on the water, try and get on their surfboard and they'll wipe out. Choking on saltwater, this sucks.

[00:11:00] My eyes sting, forget surfing. I'm just gonna stick to boogie boarding. Here's what most perfectionists forget. You're already choking on saltwater right now. You're already feeling really crappy. Like think about how many hours a week do you spend in the beat down? Judging, criticizing yourself, replaying old conversations

[00:11:23] where you think you should have said it differently, feeling resentment because you've given away too much of your time, you're over-scheduled and you want relief from that inner D bag that keeps telling you nothing you do is good enough,

[00:11:37] you should be doing more, you didn't do this right, you screwed that up. You're so far behind. Who do you think you are? Think about it. If you whip and worry yourself when things are going right, you likely have a dumpster fire when you mess up

[00:11:53] and that is what's crippling you. What I tell my clients all the time is you don't need to love yourself, you don't even need to like yourself right now. You gotta quit abusing yourself if you wanna be able to have resilience in challenging times.

[00:12:10] And it is why rewiring this pattern and this ugly belief requires a skilled coach who is an expert in perfectionistic tendencies, this incongruence, this, I know what to do but why aren't I doing it? I'm making all these excuses for myself. I find myself procrastinate a lot.

[00:12:31] I'm busying myself with unimportant things instead of the things that I know would really move the needle for me. What is happening there? Is it something called cognitive dissonance? Cognitive dissonance means the more committed you are to a belief, the harder it is to relinquish

[00:12:46] even in the face of overwhelming contradictory evidence. So instead of acknowledging an error in your discernment and abandoning the belief, you're not good enough like a prom night dumpster baby. When you have this cognitive dissonance you develop a new belief that will justify retaining it.

[00:13:09] Even when you have all this evidence just like a cornucopia of evidence that shows here all the ways that you are good enough and being like, maybe I was wrong about that. Let's just decide I am good and I am more than enough.

[00:13:22] Instead, you'll find something else that's wrong with you that proves why you're not good enough. When you have that cognitive dissonance what you're actually doing is you're stopping yourself from gathering any evidence to refute the worst and ugliest belief you have about yourself.

[00:13:40] A client I was coaching this week she hadn't been showing up in her business and she was blaming the lack of action. Like, well if I would have done what I said I would do then I would have more clients right now.

[00:13:52] When you blame the lack of action it's skirts actually having to look at is there an opportunity here for you to work smarter instead of harder? So often when you're withholding effort it's so you can blame your lack of action.

[00:14:06] When you say I would be such a successful entrepreneur if only I was taking different action you stop yourself from actually figuring out how you can be successful and look, I get it. We don't wanna look foolish but your job is not to avoid trying things

[00:14:26] so that you don't risk feeling rejected or judged. That's called plain small and that's what teenagers and children do. Your job is to try new things, to take risks and to make mistakes and to consider that making mistakes could mean something completely different

[00:14:45] than you've ever been willing to consider in your entire life. You will go much further and faster if you decide upfront that mistakes are now your new invitation for you to see what currently isn't working so that you can start rewiring your perfectionism.

[00:15:06] Most perfectionists have a terrible relationship with failure. They think, well, if I can't do something 100% I don't even wanna bother. This is why inside of perfectionism optimized I give you an exact step by step of how you can solve and evolve every single time you find yourself stumbling

[00:15:28] or you make a mistake or you choose to perfect to prove yourself and you really didn't want to or you said yes when you meant to say no and you feel like you're out of control with people pleasing. If you want to evolve into a version of you

[00:15:44] who isn't at the mercy of your perfectionism that's gonna take developing new skills, the skills of identifying what's driving your patterns, the skill of emotional agility and elevate the way that you speak to yourself because then when you mess up, it doesn't feel as charged.

[00:16:04] You're creating curiosity and you're creating openness and this is the key for you to take it to the next level whatever that level may be and there is absolutely no reason why you can't rewire. I have helped people who are three years old

[00:16:21] and I have helped people who are 73 years old people who have half century long habits and have been high functioning perfectionists for their adult lives and are in A-list celebrity careers where perfectionism is demanded of them. People who believed that nothing would work

[00:16:41] because they had tried everything and failed and they found the solution by discovering that the only problem that they had this entire time was that they were believing that their perfectionism was wrong and that they were doing this from an outside in approach instead of the inside out.

[00:17:01] And so your action step is simple. Think about last time you made a mistake. How did you show up? How do you speak to yourself when you mess up? What do you make it mean? Does it slow you down? Is it invigorating?

[00:17:14] Do you do your best to avoid mistakes? Do you investigate why you made an error and turn that L into a lesson? The good news is if you wanna go from over complicating it to being clear from putting pressure on yourself to having presence from catastrophizing

[00:17:32] to being curious, if you're like, I don't wanna do the guesswork or the hard work. I want the framework's judgment-free support and everything else that you need to rewire, then I would love to have you inside of perfectionism optimized. Go to CourtneyLoveGavin.com slash optimize.

[00:17:46] There is also a link for you in the show notes. Decide that it is time to bet on yourself and decide that you want the only coach that specializes in these perfectionistic tendencies and that's me. Listen up, taking charge of your perfectionism

[00:17:59] is so much easier than you have been led to believe. Whether you wanna stop playing out worst case scenarios in your head or be joyfully present ambitious again, you don't need more rigid rules guesswork or hard work in perfectionism recovery. You need a framework that helps you understand

[00:18:19] and most importantly, rewire your perfectionistic habits from the inside out. It starts inside of perfectionism optimized. Besides the obvious mental health and wellness benefits, rewiring your perfectionism is the fastest way to figure out what's really underneath your perfectionistic patterns. This radically different proven proprietary approach

[00:18:43] helps you succeed by dropping the contempt and judgment that blocks change. Discover how to trust yourself, take control of your world and feel truly empowered to own your perfectionism instead of being owned by it. Head on over to CourtneyLoveGavin.com and start your transformation today.