How To Let Go Of Resentment (w/o Exploding On Your Partner)

[00:00:00] If you are a perfectionist that tends to be an overachiever and Type A and driven, you

[00:00:06] have probably noticed by now achieving and winning and accomplishing things.

[00:00:11] It doesn't give you the same high on the inside like, ooh, that feels good as it used to.

[00:00:17] In fact, maybe a lot of you go to the next level because you think, oh, this is going

[00:00:21] to feel so good.

[00:00:22] I just need to get there.

[00:00:23] I just need to get there.

[00:00:24] And then you get there and you don't feel anything.

[00:00:27] And you feel worse about that because you're like, man, I sacrificed so much and I like did

[00:00:32] so much because I thought I was going to feel this way.

[00:00:35] And now I don't.

[00:00:36] And now I feel even worse.

[00:00:37] I feel like I should be feeling this way and everyone around me is feeling really happy.

[00:00:40] So what's wrong with me?

[00:00:42] Sound familiar if it does, you are in the right place.

[00:00:46] If you are ready to burn bright instead of burning out, to lead without losing

[00:00:50] yourself and to enjoy the life you have worked so hard to create then keep listening.

[00:00:56] I'm your host, America's leader on rewiring perfectionism, CLG.

[00:01:02] And this is perfectionism rewired the podcast.

[00:01:05] Welcome to perfectionism rewired.

[00:01:08] Today we're talking about when you feel like the world is on your shoulders and how to drastically

[00:01:15] minimize blowing up at your partner and saying mean things that you regret later.

[00:01:20] If you tend to have black and white thinking and or be a people pleaser, this episode

[00:01:25] is going to be so helpful for you.

[00:01:26] You know how when you're little and used to go to birthday parties and you got a party favor?

[00:01:31] It's my birthday and so I'm pretending that by you listening to this episode, you're coming

[00:01:35] to my birthday party and this real life tool is your goodie bag that you get to take home

[00:01:41] with you.

[00:01:42] There is a link to the tool in the show notes.

[00:01:46] It's free to everyone who wants it.

[00:01:48] You don't even have to enter your email address because I find that to be very annoying.

[00:01:54] By the way, if you want to be on email newsletter list, go to CourtneyLoveGavin.com slash newsletter.

[00:02:01] The tool that I am giving you in your goodie bag is something that you can use with your

[00:02:06] partner.

[00:02:07] You're really going to be able to see no wonder I'm resentful.

[00:02:11] This is a 1% thing that will make 100% difference in your life.

[00:02:15] The value that you'll get from coming to my birthday party, the value that you

[00:02:20] will get from listening to this episode is that you'll be more empowered and you are going

[00:02:24] to get such great awareness into, oh, I didn't even realize this was happening.

[00:02:32] You will be able to identify what's my capacity?

[00:02:36] What am I currently carrying as far as responsibilities?

[00:02:39] Is that a match?

[00:02:41] Do I want it to continue to be this way moving forward?

[00:02:43] Because that's another thing that I noticed with a lot of us perfectionists.

[00:02:46] We're just so used to grinding our gears.

[00:02:48] We don't even necessarily even think like, oh, I could change this.

[00:02:52] Oh, look at that.

[00:02:54] It's usually such simple things.

[00:02:56] If you have children or pets or a dynamic household, this episode is going to be so

[00:03:05] liberating for you.

[00:03:07] Okay, let's get into it.

[00:03:10] Slashing out or resentment eruption that tends to happen with super kind, generous, loving,

[00:03:20] perfectionistic people.

[00:03:22] It's something that I coach on with private clients inside of perfection optimized probably

[00:03:27] at least three times a week why they bring it to coaching.

[00:03:30] Maybe you can relate like, hey, I really value this relationship and I am noticing

[00:03:37] a pattern that I'm continuing to build up with resentment or I always think of that song

[00:03:44] I'm little tea cup.

[00:03:46] It just builds and builds and builds and then it's just like, yeah.

[00:03:51] Thing that unfortunately can end up injuring the relationships that we care the most about

[00:03:58] and the people that we love the most as perfectionistic people.

[00:04:02] We sometimes are like, is it me?

[00:04:05] Is it all in my head or is this like facts, like truth booth what I have realized through

[00:04:13] coaching over a thousand perfectionistic people is no, it's not all in your head.

[00:04:19] It has to do with your capacity.

[00:04:23] A lot of the time we don't realize when our capacity has changed because part of

[00:04:30] us we have that black and white thinking.

[00:04:32] We think that, oh no, if my capacity isn't as high as it used to be, it's going to be

[00:04:35] this way forever.

[00:04:37] Ask me how I know when in reality we are living things.

[00:04:43] We are human beings and just like nature having seasons, we have seasons too.

[00:04:49] It's going to be more helpful for you to realize, okay, what's my capacity right

[00:04:57] now versus just trying to push through continuing to add bricks into your backpack of roles and

[00:05:06] responsibilities that you are carrying.

[00:05:08] I created this tool for private one-on-one coaching clients inside of perfectionism optimized.

[00:05:14] I made this tool because all of the one-on-one clients that I coach are driven, type A,

[00:05:19] ambitious, high achievers.

[00:05:22] They adore their family and they also really enjoy their career.

[00:05:28] I've noticed as a coach what ends up happening is that they are working on unwinding people

[00:05:34] pleasing and they're carrying a lot more of the home responsibilities than their partner.

[00:05:42] They don't want to do that anymore but there's this like, I love my relationship with my

[00:05:47] partner, I don't want my partner to be upset or my partner is pushing back when I'm saying,

[00:05:53] hey, I would love for you to do this.

[00:05:56] It just causes you to question things sometimes.

[00:05:58] I wanted to have something, a model specifically, something visual clients could go to with

[00:06:06] their partner because when you draw, you draw people in and having a model that's

[00:06:12] visual, it makes it so it's not you versus them.

[00:06:18] The other person.

[00:06:19] Every session I'm drawing models on my iPad for one-on-one coaching clients.

[00:06:23] It puts the intangible into a tangible form and it makes it so we're both able to have

[00:06:31] the perspective of looking at the situation without any sort of this is all your fault

[00:06:38] or like any of that ridiculousness.

[00:06:41] I created this tool that Empowered Home Responsibility Calculator.

[00:06:46] That's the working title by the way.

[00:06:48] If you come up with a better title for it, message me.

[00:06:50] Go to CourtneyLagavit.com.

[00:06:52] You can message me right on my homepage and upcoming episode of Perfectionism Rewired.

[00:06:56] I'll give you a shout out.

[00:06:57] Superstar listener of the week.

[00:07:00] The Empowered Home Responsibility Calculator.

[00:07:03] If you're like, what does this have to do with resentment and what does this

[00:07:05] have to do with it all being in my head?

[00:07:07] The Empowered Home Responsibility Calculator is able to both give you the perspective

[00:07:11] and you're able to really see what are all the responsibilities in our home.

[00:07:16] Who's owning what?

[00:07:17] Like who's the primary in that role right now?

[00:07:21] And then being able to look at, okay, do we like this?

[00:07:27] Is this aligned with our intentions and our values?

[00:07:31] What I mean by that and I use this example in the instructions for me and

[00:07:35] my partner, a value that we have is an equitable partnership.

[00:07:41] That's something that we really want to model for the tiny humans in our life.

[00:07:46] Therefore, having one of us do the bulk of the home responsibilities,

[00:07:53] even if yes, one of us could be capable of that.

[00:07:58] We're thinking about the big picture and how kids literally zero about what you

[00:08:03] model, your behaviors and your energy.

[00:08:07] We realized that like, oh, okay, the way that our home responsibilities

[00:08:12] currently were was not in harmony with our intentions and the values for our family.

[00:08:21] Instead of both of us being like, okay, let's even this out.

[00:08:26] And then both of us drowning and being low key or high key,

[00:08:30] resentful towards the other person.

[00:08:34] We decided, okay, let's look at this, decide and de-prioritize basically.

[00:08:41] So to be able to look at everything and say for the season of our lives right now.

[00:08:47] And I recommend doing this like every quarter.

[00:08:50] So like do it today and then just set a robot reminder or put something in

[00:08:55] your calendar for 12 weeks from now with your partner for you guys to

[00:09:00] have some one-on-one time.

[00:09:01] Going back to the example of me and my partner, we realized that, okay,

[00:09:05] there's everything that we want to do and then there's everything that actually

[00:09:09] needs to get done.

[00:09:10] And then there's also two of us, which are people that we want to be at our best.

[00:09:15] So everything else can be at fully operational mode.

[00:09:19] We decided to de-prioritize.

[00:09:21] De-prioritizing means that there are some want tos, but also looking at our

[00:09:26] capacity.

[00:09:26] It's like not having resentment in our relationship is a higher priority than

[00:09:31] attending every kid's birthday party invitation that we receive over the next

[00:09:35] 12 weeks.

[00:09:36] And again, this is something where maybe your brain might be like, yeah, but if we

[00:09:40] don't RSVP to every single child's birthday that we are in town and fully

[00:09:44] able to go to, then am I messing my kids?

[00:09:48] It's like it's 12 weeks, bro.

[00:09:50] It's 12 weeks.

[00:09:51] Sometimes we need to slow down to speed up.

[00:09:54] And I get it as driven, type A, successful, high achiever, perfectionistic

[00:09:59] people that can feel like a punishment sometimes.

[00:10:03] But if you're listening to this episode, you know that especially at this point

[00:10:07] in the episode, you already know that something's got to give.

[00:10:09] Something needs to change.

[00:10:11] I just invite you to like, why not?

[00:10:13] Just try it.

[00:10:14] Just try it.

[00:10:15] Like what do you have to lose?

[00:10:17] Nothing.

[00:10:17] What do you have to gain?

[00:10:18] Everything.

[00:10:19] So de-prioritizing and also outsourcing.

[00:10:23] Strong people get support.

[00:10:26] OK?

[00:10:27] Like, tattoo that on your forehead for the month.

[00:10:29] Strong people get support.

[00:10:31] There is such an unhealthy emphasis and overindexed put on individualism

[00:10:37] and doing it all yourself that like somehow there's like a first prize

[00:10:42] and like miserable.

[00:10:44] Everyone, it doesn't matter what your financial state is.

[00:10:47] It's not a resource issue.

[00:10:48] It's a resourcefulness issue.

[00:10:50] If you're like, I have a single parent of seven.

[00:10:53] I don't have any help.

[00:10:55] If you were my client, I would say, OK, so you don't have any help right now.

[00:10:58] Let's look at what you do have that you might not have explored yet.

[00:11:01] Because I can guarantee you will let you $1,000.

[00:11:06] I will be able to uncover at least 10 areas of resourcefulness

[00:11:10] that you haven't thought of yet because that's why we hire coaches.

[00:11:14] Naturally has a more elevated perspective than you do

[00:11:17] because we are watching the play of your life, not in the play of your life.

[00:11:21] It's one of those things that it's a 1% shift, but it makes 100% difference.

[00:11:27] You probably have already opened the empowered home responsibility calculator.

[00:11:32] You'll see the beauty of this.

[00:11:34] And for those of you that are Google Sheets and you're like,

[00:11:36] ah, spreadsheet, I'm not a fan of them typically.

[00:11:40] However, I designed this one so I'm not like the other Google Sheets.

[00:11:46] I'm a cool Google Sheet.

[00:11:48] But literally you check boxes and then what's super cool is you check a box

[00:11:53] and then there's a pie chart and a bar graph that show visually

[00:11:57] the distribution of home responsibilities.

[00:12:01] And what's super cool about it too,

[00:12:03] is if you and your partner legitimately a split role where both of you tag team,

[00:12:09] you can check both all the responsibilities you can adapt to your household.

[00:12:15] And if there's something that is not applicable to you

[00:12:18] and there isn't another thing you guys can think of to replace,

[00:12:21] you can leave it blank and it does not mess with the calculations.

[00:12:26] I know it's so cool.

[00:12:28] All the responsibilities I put in a lot

[00:12:30] because there are some things that we don't even realize

[00:12:34] that we're doing it sort of on autopilot like, oh yeah,

[00:12:38] I'm always in charge of the kids' birthdays

[00:12:40] or I'm always the one that arranges play dates for them

[00:12:43] or I'm always the one make sure that the kids and the dogs

[00:12:48] have all their medical appointments.

[00:12:49] I put all of those in there for you to get your mind rolling.

[00:12:53] There are three categories.

[00:12:54] So it's like it me, you are the primary in that role, partner,

[00:12:58] meaning it's your partner that's the primary in that role.

[00:13:01] And then the third column is outsourced.

[00:13:03] Outsourced can be your kids,

[00:13:06] maybe your children are of the age where you have teenagers.

[00:13:10] They do their own hygiene.

[00:13:12] They do their own social calendar.

[00:13:14] Outsourced just means it's not the two of you.

[00:13:16] Outsourced can also mean it's someone like daycare

[00:13:20] that does that or a nanny or maybe a relative

[00:13:24] that lives nearby.

[00:13:26] By you having the empowered home responsibility calculator,

[00:13:30] it's not you doing this and then going to your partner,

[00:13:32] listen up partner, there's a new sheriff in town.

[00:13:36] It's not about that.

[00:13:37] You guys are able to come together

[00:13:39] and you have this thing,

[00:13:41] the empowered home responsibility calculator.

[00:13:43] It's not disempowering to your relationship

[00:13:45] or disempowering to the other person

[00:13:47] that might not have as many responsibilities as you do.

[00:13:51] If you enjoyed this tool,

[00:13:52] this tool is the kind of thing that you get

[00:13:57] when you are a private one-on-one coaching client

[00:14:00] inside of perfectionism optimized.

[00:14:03] When we work together, it's your whole life,

[00:14:06] not just the areas that you think

[00:14:07] that your perfectionism is impacting,

[00:14:10] because guess what?

[00:14:12] You bring you everywhere you go.

[00:14:14] Listen up, taking charge of your perfectionism

[00:14:17] is so much easier than you have been led to believe.

[00:14:21] Whether you wanna stop playing out

[00:14:22] worst case scenarios in your head

[00:14:24] or be joyfully present ambitious again,

[00:14:27] you don't need more rigid rules, guesswork

[00:14:31] or hard work in perfectionism recovery.

[00:14:34] You need a framework that helps you understand

[00:14:37] and most importantly, rewire your perfectionistic habits

[00:14:41] from the inside out.

[00:14:42] It starts inside of perfectionism optimized.

[00:14:46] Besides the obvious mental health and wellness benefits,

[00:14:49] rewiring your perfectionism is the fastest way

[00:14:52] to figure out what's really underneath

[00:14:55] your perfectionistic patterns.

[00:14:57] This radically different proven proprietary approach

[00:15:01] helps you succeed by dropping the contempt

[00:15:04] and judgment that blocks change.

[00:15:07] Discover how to trust yourself,

[00:15:09] take control of your world

[00:15:10] and feel truly empowered to own your perfectionism

[00:15:15] instead of being owned by it.

[00:15:18] Head on over to CourtneyLoveGavin.com

[00:15:21] and start your transformation today.