From Pushing Through To Presence (lessons from perfectionist architect)

[00:00:00] We have these big goals and those are great, but like I want more for you because I know that you're a perfectionist. You're really good at accomplishing goals. That's not what you need me here for. Like I'm here to make your daily life feel better.

[00:00:13] The most monumental and significant shifts in your life. They're not going to come from a one-time promotion or vacation or moving. It really comes from the tiny and mighty shifts that you make in the way that you live your everyday.

[00:00:31] If you are ready to burn bright instead of burning out, to lead without losing yourself and to enjoy the life you have worked so hard to create, then keep listening. I'm your host, America's leader on rewiring perfectionism, CLG, and this is Perfectionism Rewired, the podcast.

[00:00:51] Welcome to Perfectionism Rewired. Today we're talking about pushing through. This is a perfectionistic strategy that was likely effective at one point in your life and no longer is. If you've yet to discover that it is an ineffective strategy, come closer.

[00:01:11] Listen to this episode pushing through similar to people pleasing, ruminating, catastrophizing, overthinking, spinning out, over-functioning, and all of the other fascinating topics we cover here. Pushing through is not a long-term sustainable strategy. How you know that you are experiencing pushing through, if you're telling yourself,

[00:01:38] you know, if I just change jobs, I'll be happier or once this quarter is over, I'll have more space. After this next vacation, I will feel so much more calm. I just got to get to October. Things will calm down then.

[00:01:56] I have said and believed all of those things. I took vacation, I changed where I was employed like six times in 10 years. I relocated. I grinded myself to bits holding on to the imaginary hope that I would find solace after I was finishing.

[00:02:23] That is one way to do things. Sprint, recover, sprint, and I wouldn't even say sprinting. I would say like running over yourself and like maybe giving yourself like 30 seconds to recover. Truth booth, we never really recover. Like, do you?

[00:02:38] Because what happens is that those sprints and that running over ourselves, that time just gets longer. It can really feel like you are playing the game whackable where it's like when things come up and you are in a very reactive, unrestored, un-relaxed, highly clenched place. And it's exhausting.

[00:02:58] We got to stop playing that game. Instead, create a playing field where you are very adept at your ability to metabolize stress. Like you never get to the whack-a-mole point. Like I just want you to take a second deep breath and just like imagine what

[00:03:21] your life would be like if you never got to the point of unraveling, where you take everything way less personally. And stuff that used to bother you, it doesn't. You're just like unbothered by it. It's just like, oh yeah, that.

[00:03:42] And all of the space and the energy and the vitality you get to create for yourself by no longer trying to sprint the stress away. What does that space do? It makes room for your joy. It makes room for your presence. It makes room for peace.

[00:04:02] And overall, like a life that feels delicious on the inside. That is the life you will get when we work together inside of Perfectionism Optimized, my one-on-one coaching. And instead of me just telling you that I want to actually share concrete

[00:04:20] data from Perfectionism Optimized private one-on-one coaching client, Jessica. Jessica came to me because she noticed how often she was telling herself once the kids are out of the house, once the weekend's here, once the school year ends, once the school year starts.

[00:04:40] Once I go to Italy for the summer, then everything will be better. When then thinking became a mantra for her. Jessica was always living for the weekend for warmer weather, for less stress, more relaxation. She actually realized when she came to me that like at minimum two weekends

[00:04:59] of every month, her and her family needed to be traveling because it would just get to be too much if she was at home because she wouldn't have the busy-ness and the distraction, how she was actually feeling on the inside. Jessica was always chasing something.

[00:05:13] She said learning how to let go of that chase is a game changer for me. It happened for Jessica when her mom got sick and she found herself saying once we get through this, it will be better. I asked her about that in a session.

[00:05:32] Once you get through this, Jessica, what will be left? And she realized, well, my mom will be dead when we get through this time. And she said, I don't want that either. She had this major aha epiphany that in this situation, there isn't no,

[00:05:53] when everything will be better time. She didn't want to fast forward to the end. It was either let's get present here or we're going to miss this final chapter that brought up for Jessica all the other times that she was telling herself.

[00:06:11] If I hit this milestone at work, when we go on vacation, when I arrive at this place in my life, when we get the third lake house, it was never magically better and not like, yeah, it might've been different.

[00:06:25] And like, maybe there was that novelty, but like, as soon as that faded off, nothing was necessarily better. She would feel worse because she had done all this stuff in hopes of landing at this new emotional landscape. And then she realized like, Oh, everything's just the same.

[00:06:42] Jessica realized she was worrying and wishing her life away. Sure. The vacations were great, but Jessica would spend all of her time on vacation, trying to slow down to enjoy it that she wasn't even able to be present for the vacation.

[00:06:58] Something that Jessica said that was so profound is I'm either living my life and fast forward or slow motion, but I'm not present for any of it. And I want to change that. Jessica is like so many perfectionists when they first come to work with me.

[00:07:14] Why we are wishing or worrying stressful times away is because we don't have an effective way to deal with them. And so the way that we are used to is pushing through what Jessica realized. And maybe what you're realizing right now is that she needed more sophisticated

[00:07:37] and personalized tools, other than just telling herself to be present or stop worrying your life away. Jessica realized that she needed a way to metabolize her stress rather than pushing it down until she combusted, which she now has through our coaching together.

[00:07:56] And here's what Jessica has to say about that. She says that learning to let go of the chase, be present through the challenging times and have CLG in my corner is the best thing I've ever done for myself.

[00:08:11] I think in my entire life, this allows me to be present for every minute of it rather than fast forwarding to just get to the good parts. I couldn't even taste because I was already anxious about when the next one would be occurring.

[00:08:27] Thank you, Jessica, for sharing that with all of us. Stop pushing through doesn't mean that you will no longer have the fierce ambition that means that you will have better ways to fuel it. Like you can get the promotion without spending every waking minute working.

[00:08:45] It means that you can make the moves that you've always been wanting to make without covering your eyes and blowing out the birthday candles, hoping it works out. You can make these power moves feeling grounded, calm and confident

[00:09:01] because you know that whatever comes up, you will be able to handle it and be able to do it without the panic of what if it doesn't work out? Why? Because you will have built so much fricking trust in yourself that you

[00:09:15] know like capital K-N-O-W whole body not just like intellectually that you can handle anything. We have these big goals and those are great, but like I want more for you because I know that you're a perfectionist. You're really good at accomplishing goals.

[00:09:30] That's not what you need me here for. Like I'm here to make your daily life feel better. The most monumental and significant shifts in your life, they're not going to come from a one-time promotion or vacation or moving.

[00:09:47] It really comes from the tiny and mighty shifts that you make in the way that you live your everyday. It comes from having more patience. It comes from presence. It comes from actually feeling more joy. It comes from feeling confident without the external validation.

[00:10:05] It comes from navigating hard conversations with courage. It comes from knowing what you want. It comes for asking for what you want without the fear of rejection. It comes from saying no to what you don't want to do without guilt. It comes from sleeping well.

[00:10:21] It comes from not letting other people's opinions sway you. It comes from not letting other people's energy affect you. It comes from observing other people's emotions, but not absorbing them. Because when you are back in charge of your daily life, there's no question

[00:10:36] at all about whatever you want to happen in your life. If it's going to happen for you, it will. And it will happen faster because you will feel better about yourself and your life along the way. If you want to stop pushing through, I invite you to go

[00:10:49] to CourtneyLoveGavin.com today and apply. Listen up. Taking charge of your perfectionism is so much easier than you have been led to believe. Whether you want to stop playing out worst case scenarios in your head or be joyfully present, ambitious again, you don't need more rigid rules,

[00:11:08] guesswork or hard work in perfectionism recovery. You need a framework that helps you understand and most importantly, rewire your perfectionistic habits from the inside out. It starts inside of perfectionism optimized. Besides the obvious mental health and wellness benefits, rewiring your perfectionism is the fastest way to figure out

[00:11:32] what's really underneath your perfectionistic patterns. This radically different, proven proprietary approach helps you succeed by dropping the contempt and judgment that blocks change. Discover how to trust yourself, take control of your world and feel truly empowered to own your perfectionism instead of being owned by it.

[00:11:57] Head on over to CourtneyLoveGavin.com and start your transformation today.