Overexplaining

[00:00:00] As you start to overexplain, your amygdala, the alarm bell system of your brain, freaks

[00:00:06] out.

[00:00:07] It is clenching over you potentially being misunderstood or judged.

[00:00:13] This creates cognitive dissonance, a tug of war between your conscious mind's desire for

[00:00:20] useful communication and the emotional charge of insecurity from your subconscious, resulting

[00:00:27] in you rambling and overexplaining.

[00:00:31] If you are ready to burn bright instead of burning out, to lead without losing yourself

[00:00:36] and to enjoy the life you have worked so hard to create, then keep listening.

[00:00:41] I'm your host, America's leader on rewiring perfectionism, CLG, and this is Perfectionism

[00:00:49] Rewired, the podcast.

[00:00:51] Welcome to Perfectionism Rewired.

[00:00:53] Today, we are talking about overexplaining.

[00:00:58] Overexplaining is a classic perfectionistic tendency we've touched on in other episodes,

[00:01:05] which are linked in the show notes when it comes to emotions.

[00:01:09] Or if you lack self-confidence, overexplaining can be a symptom.

[00:01:14] Same thing if you tend to people please, you also tend to overexplain.

[00:01:18] And I realized we did not have a Perfectionism Rewired episode dedicated to the phenomenon

[00:01:27] that is overexplaining.

[00:01:29] This episode is going to give you the science behind overexplaining, why as perfectionists,

[00:01:37] we get all wrapped up in this pattern of overexplanation and how overexplaining impacts your health mentally,

[00:01:48] emotionally, and physically.

[00:01:51] Now, if you are someone that you don't think that you overexplain, another way that this tends

[00:01:56] to show up is if at the end of when you're saying things, you say, if that makes sense,

[00:02:03] does that make sense?

[00:02:04] You're seeking that undercover validation and approval from someone else when you are speaking.

[00:02:13] Another way this comes up, or I'll have clients express this to me, is they say that they give

[00:02:18] way too much detail.

[00:02:19] Like, I just start talking and I feel like I have verbal diarrhea.

[00:02:23] I feel like I'm oversharing.

[00:02:25] I feel like I am confusing someone else that I'm talking to.

[00:02:29] As one client said, I overexplain things and I end up overcomplicating them.

[00:02:36] And then it's a nasty cycle of seeking validation because I'm afraid that they think I'm incompetent

[00:02:44] because I just fucked up the already fine text that I didn't need to overexplain.

[00:02:52] It's like you overexplain because you want them to be confident in you.

[00:02:55] But then by overexplaining, you overcomplicated it and you need to seek even more validation

[00:03:01] to let them know that they're competent.

[00:03:04] You end up overexplaining again and again.

[00:03:07] As perfectionists, we have an extraordinary gift for being detail-oriented.

[00:03:17] We notice things that no one else notices.

[00:03:19] We also care immensely about what we do.

[00:03:22] We care about the people in our orbit.

[00:03:25] That combination of being super detail-oriented, like delighting in the details, and being someone

[00:03:33] who cares about other people, those are assets.

[00:03:37] And they become liabilities when they morph into overexplaining.

[00:03:42] When you really care about other people and are detail-oriented, you end up weaponizing

[00:03:49] those against yourself.

[00:03:51] If this is your first episode listening to Perfectionism Rewired, welcome.

[00:03:55] As you listen to this episode, know we are working from the perspective.

[00:04:01] Perfectionism isn't something that you need to fix.

[00:04:03] If you're having a hard time with it or you're struggling with it, it's just because no one

[00:04:07] ever taught you the skills you need.

[00:04:09] This is all based on scientific research.

[00:04:11] I know that there is a lot of misinformation out there, which is why every podcast episode

[00:04:16] in the show notes, there's a place where sources and citations that show you the evidence-based,

[00:04:22] scholarly, factual information where the science in every episode is coming from.

[00:04:27] I always want Perfectionism Rewired to be a resource you can trust for the most current

[00:04:34] and factual information when it comes to all things perfectionism.

[00:04:41] As you listen to this episode, I just want you to know the answer is not caring less and

[00:04:47] it's not to just like don't pay attention to like all of those details.

[00:04:51] Those are two things that are assets.

[00:04:53] What we're going to be illuminating in this episode is like what are the underlying, right?

[00:04:59] Like let's get to the root of the root.

[00:05:00] What is happening underneath the over-explaining?

[00:05:05] Why is it occurring?

[00:05:07] And the impact this is having not only in your conversations at work, but on your long-term

[00:05:14] health and wellness.

[00:05:16] So let's get into it.

[00:05:17] As perfectionists, we cross this line into over-explaining in an attempt to anticipate and avoid potential

[00:05:27] criticisms, to manipulate other people's feelings, means that you are trying to control how other

[00:05:34] people feel.

[00:05:35] We also cross the line into over-explaining to seek validation because we don't believe

[00:05:43] we are already worthy or that we can validate ourselves.

[00:05:48] So how did we end up here?

[00:05:52] Why is it over-explaining happens so often for perfectionistic people on such a deeply ingrained

[00:06:02] autopilot that you probably don't even notice it?

[00:06:07] Why is this?

[00:06:08] In your first 25 years of life, your brain is forming its understanding of the world and

[00:06:14] your environment.

[00:06:16] And if in those first 25 years you felt misunderstood or you didn't feel like your thoughts, experiences,

[00:06:26] needs, wants truly mattered, you learn to do whatever you need to do in order to be heard.

[00:06:38] For example, if your siblings were more needy than you were, if you were the oldest child or

[00:06:46] your parents were there physically but not really present or just completely emotionally unavailable,

[00:06:54] then you may have adopted a subconscious rule that you need to earn being heard, trusted,

[00:07:03] or listened to.

[00:07:04] If you grew up in a household where judgment and criticism were the norm, then your brain learned

[00:07:12] to over-explain as a defense mechanism so you could preemptively address any potential

[00:07:19] criticism or rejection that might come your way.

[00:07:23] One of the biggest reasons perfectionists tend to be over-explainers is because your brain

[00:07:31] was trained that your self-worth was conditional and that you had to work for it.

[00:07:39] You had to earn love, joy, dignity, freedom, and connection.

[00:07:46] Self-worth is about understanding right here, right now.

[00:07:51] You are worthy of all the joy, dignity, freedom, love, and connection until the day that you take

[00:07:59] your last breath.

[00:08:00] You remain worthy every minute through every mistake no matter what's going on in your life.

[00:08:06] Now, whether you accept or deny your own worthiness, that's on you.

[00:08:16] Self-worth is not self-esteem or self-confidence.

[00:08:21] In the words of Dr. Brene Brown, we think self-esteem, we feel self-confidence.

[00:08:29] Self-worth is about what you feel and what you believe you deserve.

[00:08:33] This distinction can create confusion for a lot of us perfectionists who have high self-esteem,

[00:08:42] but you also find yourself feeling insecure.

[00:08:46] So let's say you just got a major promotion to your dream role in your career.

[00:08:52] Inside your head, you're thinking, I know that I'm smart.

[00:08:56] I know that I've done the work to get here, but why the F do I feel so inadequate and that

[00:09:01] I don't deserve this?

[00:09:02] You might even call it imposter syndrome.

[00:09:06] You know mentally that you're competent and that you're smart, but you don't feel inside

[00:09:14] your person or believe that you're worthy of having this role in a career that you love.

[00:09:22] Over-explaining indicates that you don't feel as if you deserve to take up space in conversations,

[00:09:33] in your career, or in relationships.

[00:09:38] When you are a rewired perfectionist, you are connected to your self-worth.

[00:09:45] You decide and accept your self-worthiness.

[00:09:48] What I see with one-on-one coaching clients inside of perfectionism optimized is that they

[00:09:56] already have the validation and approval they were previously seeking out through over-explaining.

[00:10:02] They feel secure and safe in their person because of the interoceptive skills that they have

[00:10:11] learned through the EPIC framework curriculum.

[00:10:15] As perfectionists, we tend to over-explain in order to control our anxiety.

[00:10:22] But it backfires because we're not actually getting at the root of the problem or solving

[00:10:28] anything.

[00:10:29] If you find yourself over-explaining a lot, you probably also spend tons of energy carrying

[00:10:36] other people's feelings and trying to decipher exactly what they're thinking about you and

[00:10:44] what their impression is of you and trying to over-explain enough so they don't get mad

[00:10:50] at you or they think that you're slacking.

[00:10:52] It really takes a toll if that is you right now.

[00:10:54] And it's exhausting.

[00:10:57] At the root of over-explaining is this subconscious belief that if you explain yourself thoroughly,

[00:11:07] you can avoid judgment and maintain the external approval you perceive you need.

[00:11:16] Over-explaining becomes this twisted control tactic.

[00:11:21] It's you trying to control how this conversation is going to go, even though the logical part

[00:11:28] of you knows that you can't control it.

[00:11:31] Now that we understand why perfectionists tend to have a deeply ingrained pattern of over-explaining,

[00:11:39] let's get into the science of over-explaining.

[00:11:42] Over-explaining is linked to an out-of-tune interoceptive awareness where you're keenly attuned

[00:11:51] to possible rejection.

[00:11:53] If you get just a whiff of being slighted or ignored, you interpret that as a level 10

[00:12:02] DEF CON situation.

[00:12:05] This is especially true if growing up you felt rejected or that you didn't get paid attention

[00:12:12] to unless it was for doing something wrong.

[00:12:14] A subconscious rule that you have is that attention equals criticism and judgment.

[00:12:20] Even though logically you're like, I know that attention doesn't equal that, I invite you

[00:12:25] to throw out the logical side because that is not the ruling majority party inside your

[00:12:32] brain.

[00:12:32] The reason why you haven't been able to stop over-explaining is because you have only been

[00:12:39] approaching it from a mental, logical level.

[00:12:42] You're never going to change it if you continue doing that.

[00:12:45] Because your internal systems are worried that you won't be accepted or validated and that

[00:12:53] it's going to happen again.

[00:12:55] You don't like how that feels.

[00:12:56] Instead of not over-explaining, showing yourself how resilient you are and how you weren't actually

[00:13:06] criticized and judged, your perfectionistic brain automatically goes to this vintage coping

[00:13:13] strategy of over-explaining.

[00:13:15] As you start to over-explain, your amygdala, the alarm bell system of your brain, freaks out.

[00:13:23] It is clenching over you potentially being misunderstood or judged.

[00:13:29] This creates cognitive dissonance, a tug of war between your conscious mind's desire for useful

[00:13:37] communication and the emotional charge of insecurity from your subconscious, resulting in you rambling

[00:13:45] and over-explaining.

[00:13:47] And usually you do it really, really fast.

[00:13:49] Like you notice that you are speeding up what you're saying because of this tug of war.

[00:13:54] It creates a waterfall of stress hormones being released into your body.

[00:14:02] And if this experience is on regular rotation for you, the mental and emotional turmoil that

[00:14:11] starts inside begins affecting your outside.

[00:14:15] This results in burnout, chronic anxiety, insomnia, autoimmune diseases, thyroid issues,

[00:14:24] reproductive issues, all the way to IBS and colon cancer.

[00:14:29] Why?

[00:14:31] You have an externally oriented cognitive style.

[00:14:34] What does that mean?

[00:14:35] That you are paying more attention to external things happening around you, like how the other

[00:14:42] person is thinking, feeling, or reacting instead of paying attention to your own internal experiences.

[00:14:52] Why does that matter?

[00:14:53] Because when you are an externally oriented thinker, you have unhelpful or non-existent

[00:15:02] interoceptive abilities.

[00:15:05] Interoceptive abilities come from interoception.

[00:15:09] Interoception is your inner sense, literally.

[00:15:13] It is your inner experience as you go through the world.

[00:15:17] We have interoceptors all over internally and externally.

[00:15:22] These interoceptors provide input to the insula of our brain, where we process emotional information.

[00:15:32] If you are an externally oriented thinker, your brain is not receiving information on what's

[00:15:43] happening inside of you.

[00:15:45] If you're not giving your brain that information, that's how burnout, chronic anxiety, autoimmune

[00:15:52] issues, insomnia, thyroid issues, reproductive issues, IBS, colon cancer, that is how all of

[00:15:58] them develop because there are these little tiny signals earlier on, but you're totally

[00:16:03] ignoring them because you're way more focused on, oh my gosh, my boss is yawning.

[00:16:07] Does that mean that they're tired of what I'm saying with over explaining?

[00:16:09] Oh, their tone of voice means this, right?

[00:16:11] Because you're focusing on all of that instead of tending to the most important person in your

[00:16:15] entire life, which is you.

[00:16:17] So scientists have shown that our sensitivity to our own interoceptive signals determines

[00:16:26] our capacity to regulate our emotions and our susceptibility to mental and physical health

[00:16:35] problems.

[00:16:37] I am so excited about interoception.

[00:16:39] I've probably done at least 10 podcasts about it.

[00:16:42] Go to perfectionismaware.com and in the search bar type in interoception.

[00:16:46] A bunch of episodes will come up.

[00:16:48] It's through interoception that you can recognize your learned patterns and habits and find the

[00:16:56] freedom to explore new possibilities.

[00:17:00] This process of connecting your own inner guidance through interoception is sometimes called embodied

[00:17:08] cognition.

[00:17:09] In today's age of disembodiment, being attached to screens and, you know, like trying to compete

[00:17:15] with robots, learning to attend to the signals inside of you and to direct your awareness inside

[00:17:23] allows you to reconnect to long lost networks of perception that helps you feel grounded and

[00:17:31] secure and for your self-worth to just be a duh type situation.

[00:17:35] Your interoceptive abilities is how you become present and gain a confidently integrated sense

[00:17:42] of self, which includes your self-worth.

[00:17:47] So why is it then with this awareness of the detrimental impact your habit of over explaining

[00:17:55] is creating?

[00:17:57] Why are you still doing it?

[00:17:58] Maybe some of this information you've heard before, maybe some of this information you're

[00:18:03] hearing for the first time.

[00:18:04] Either way, odds are you'll continue over explaining and you will probably use it as another reason

[00:18:09] to beat yourself up, which if you want to learn more about that, I will put links in the show

[00:18:13] notes to the mini series on your inner critic.

[00:18:17] So like, why is it that you know better, but implementing it like the doing better isn't

[00:18:24] happening?

[00:18:25] Why this is happening is because of the fleeting, like poof, and it's gone, sense of relief

[00:18:31] over explaining provides to you in the moment.

[00:18:33] Your exhaustive explanations are giving you this seductive illusion that you are asserting

[00:18:43] control over how you're perceived.

[00:18:45] Like you're a boss, you're taking charge.

[00:18:49] But by over explaining, you're subconsciously perpetuating the belief that your self-worth

[00:18:55] is dependent upon external validation.

[00:18:57] And you're also reinforcing the people pleasing, control freakness, overthinking, and the emotional

[00:19:05] outsourcing that you are actively trying to rewire.

[00:19:09] Also, over explaining deletes your impeccable boundaries because instead of doing what's

[00:19:16] best for you, you're doing way too much for everyone else to gain their approval.

[00:19:21] Part of over explaining comes from preparing to defend ourselves since we're anticipating

[00:19:29] criticism and also from the earnest intention of wanting people to have confidence in you,

[00:19:35] right?

[00:19:36] Because you don't have it in yourself.

[00:19:37] What ends up happening most of the time is when you over explain, you come off as insecure,

[00:19:43] which is exactly what you're trying not to be.

[00:19:47] Clear is kind.

[00:19:49] Over explaining muddles the value of what you're saying with unnecessary information, which

[00:19:57] can be super frustrating for the person on the receiving end.

[00:20:03] Truth booth, what's happening with over explaining is you're being really self-absorbed and not self-absorbed

[00:20:10] in a self-care type way, but in a I'm blind to the way that I'm impacting other people in a

[00:20:17] not great way.

[00:20:18] I have yet to hear someone be bold enough to say, hey, when you're focused on over explaining, you're

[00:20:24] being really self-absorbed.

[00:20:25] Most people are too polite.

[00:20:27] Lucky for you.

[00:20:28] I keep it 100.

[00:20:30] When you're over explaining, you are focused on needing to tell the whole story and all

[00:20:35] this detail on getting everything out and making sure they hear everything and speeding up because

[00:20:40] it seems like they're getting bored and you have to fit it all in.

[00:20:42] You are focusing on you getting validated.

[00:20:45] You're not active listening and you're not focused on the intention of what you're saying

[00:20:51] or what's going on for anyone else.

[00:20:54] It's all about your addiction to external validation.

[00:20:57] That is no way to build connection as a person or as a leader.

[00:21:04] You summon power by becoming aware of what you're choosing, why you're choosing it, and

[00:21:11] what you could be choosing instead.

[00:21:12] This episode, we began to summon your power by you becoming aware of what you're choosing

[00:21:20] when you choose to over explain, why you're choosing to over explain.

[00:21:24] And in the next episode, I am giving you what you could be choosing instead.

[00:21:31] We are going to explore how you can stop over explaining and how you can liberate yourself

[00:21:39] from this perfectionistic tendency to over explain.

[00:21:43] If you know someone that tends to over explain, I encourage you to send this episode right on

[00:21:50] over to them.

[00:21:51] If you're like, oh, but CLG, I don't know what to say.

[00:21:54] I got you.

[00:21:55] You could say, hey, I heard an episode of perfectionism rewired and I think it might totally

[00:22:02] resonate for you like it did for me.

[00:22:04] And then boop, drop them the link.

[00:22:07] Overexplaining is one of the many perfectionistic tendencies that we rewired together inside of

[00:22:14] perfectionism optimize my one-on-one coaching that is exclusively for type A driven perfectionistic

[00:22:21] people who want to enjoy the life they have worked so hard to create.

[00:22:25] To start unlearning how to over explain, go to CourtneyLoveGavin.com slash optimized today.

[00:22:32] Listen up.

[00:22:33] Taking charge of your perfectionism is so much easier than you have been led to believe.

[00:22:38] Whether you want to stop playing out worst case scenarios in your head or be joyfully

[00:22:42] present ambitious again, you don't need more rigid rules, guesswork, or hard work in

[00:22:50] perfectionism recovery.

[00:22:51] You need a framework that helps you understand and most importantly, rewire your perfectionistic

[00:22:58] habits from the inside out.

[00:23:00] It starts inside of perfectionism optimized.

[00:23:04] Besides the obvious mental health and wellness benefits, rewiring your perfectionism is the

[00:23:09] fastest way to figure out what's really underneath your perfectionistic patterns.

[00:23:15] This radically different proven proprietary approach helps you succeed by dropping the contempt and

[00:23:22] judgment that blocks change.

[00:23:25] Discover how to trust yourself, take control of your world, and feel truly empowered to own

[00:23:31] your perfectionism instead of being owned by it.

[00:23:36] Head on over to CourtneyLoveGavin.com and start your transformation today.

[00:23:40] We'll see you next time.