Needing to Be 100% Certain + Uncertainty Avoidance

[00:00:00] If you are waiting to be 100% sure, if you are waiting for certainty, there's something super obvious that you are forgetting.

[00:00:08] If you are ready to burn bright instead of burning out, to lead without losing yourself, and to enjoy the life you have worked so hard to create, then keep listening.

[00:00:18] I'm your host, America's leader on rewiring perfectionism, CLG, and this is Perfectionism Rewired, the podcast.

[00:00:28] Welcome to Perfectionism Rewired.

[00:00:31] Today we are talking about needing to be 100% sure, aka waiting for certainty.

[00:00:40] This is the fourth episode in our extraordinary series on things that perfectionists wait for that they are actually 100% totally in control of.

[00:00:52] We're not talking about waiting for someone to get back to you or waiting to hear if you got a job or waiting for medical test results.

[00:01:01] This is not a permission slip to just be an impatient jerk.

[00:01:07] This is specifically about things perfectionists wait for that they are actually totally in charge of.

[00:01:15] Basically, you're waiting for yourself.

[00:01:16] A contrarian way for me to say it is like, here are all the ways that you are disempowering yourself.

[00:01:21] Certainty is the one that I see perfectionists struggle the most with.

[00:01:29] The reason why is we're using the certainty that I need to be 100% sure.

[00:01:36] We're using that to protect us, to shield us from what might happen if it doesn't go as planned.

[00:01:45] If you get your certainty from controlling everything around you, one, that's an awful way to live.

[00:01:52] I used to do that, so I get it.

[00:01:55] And you keep yourself very, very confined on what you're able to do.

[00:02:02] Here's how I want to play with this with you so you can see how there really isn't certainty in anything that you do in life.

[00:02:08] Like, when you leave your house, it's not certain that you're going to live that day.

[00:02:13] When you get in a car, that certainty goes down.

[00:02:17] When you order food that's prepared by someone else, they could poison you.

[00:02:21] There are so many situations that we put ourselves into as perfectionists where uncertainty is there.

[00:02:30] We're just not looking for it.

[00:02:31] Let's say we're at a restaurant, you order food.

[00:02:33] Do you need to be 100% sure they're not putting cyanide in your salad?

[00:02:38] Are you bringing in your own ingredients and you're like, hey, let me disinfect your tools for you.

[00:02:43] Okay, I'm actually, you know what, just let me make it.

[00:02:46] No, you're not doing that.

[00:02:48] This episode is not meant to make you even more anxious than you already are.

[00:02:52] But just to show you, you are allowing uncertainty and not needing to be 100% sure for keeping yourself alive.

[00:03:00] But where I see this uncertainty and this needing to be 100% sure when it comes to desires that you have or investing in yourself,

[00:03:11] going back to the shield uncertainty,

[00:03:13] this might not be overt to you until I point it out in this episode.

[00:03:18] You're welcome.

[00:03:19] Going back to the shield uncertainty and this needing to be 100% sure,

[00:03:24] there is a lack of trust in your ability that if I slip, I can pick myself back up.

[00:03:30] It's like you're back on that tightrope.

[00:03:31] Instead of being able to be like, I don't need to be 100% certain on this.

[00:03:36] There's no such thing as ironclad certainty.

[00:03:39] And in fact, in Perfectionist Solutions, my one-on-one coaching practice,

[00:03:44] I used to offer 100% money back guarantee,

[00:03:47] where if you have felt that you have made no progress,

[00:03:50] I will 100% refund your money.

[00:03:53] I never had a client ask for that.

[00:03:55] However, I then realized by me bringing the certainty in that tangible type way of like

[00:04:02] needing to be 100% sure this will work,

[00:04:04] by me doing that, I was robbing private one-on-one coaching clients

[00:04:09] from them creating that within themselves,

[00:04:11] from allowing you to bring the certainty.

[00:04:14] And I'm going to tell you how to do that in this episode.

[00:04:16] Now, let's get into all of the ways that Perfectionists wait for certainty

[00:04:22] and what it's costing you.

[00:04:24] So needing to be 100% sure, aka waiting for certainty.

[00:04:31] This comes up when you want to give something a go,

[00:04:34] but you aren't 100% sure it's going to work for you.

[00:04:36] If you are waiting to be 100% sure, if you are waiting for certainty,

[00:04:41] there's something super obvious that you are forgetting,

[00:04:44] that you create the certainty.

[00:04:47] Certainty doesn't fall out of the sky like a baby being dropped from a stork.

[00:04:52] You got to create the certainty for yourself.

[00:04:55] Creating certainty for yourself is a skill.

[00:04:58] You sculpt this skill by instead of hoping you make the right decision

[00:05:03] or hoping that all the reviews you've extensively researched are correct,

[00:05:10] you take charge.

[00:05:12] You are no longer a victim of certainty in your life.

[00:05:16] You decide.

[00:05:18] You tell yourself,

[00:05:19] I'm going to stand by my decisions and no longer second guess myself.

[00:05:25] I am not going to beat my future self up about this,

[00:05:32] regardless of the outcome.

[00:05:33] I am making the best decision I can at this time with the knowledge that I have.

[00:05:42] Other ways this wait for more certainty will come up is you want to be 100% certain

[00:05:48] because you don't want to waste your money, your time, or your effort.

[00:05:54] The antidote to that is to just decide that nothing is ever a waste of money, time, or effort

[00:06:01] because you always are capable of digging up the lessons of finding those diamonds in the mud.

[00:06:09] The money, time, or effort is simply the tuition you paid to learn those lessons.

[00:06:16] Instead of waiting for that guarantee,

[00:06:19] instead of waiting for conditions to be absolutely perfect and ideal,

[00:06:24] take charge and be like,

[00:06:26] I am going to make this worth it.

[00:06:28] I am going to be the one that brings the certainty

[00:06:31] and I'm going to be the one that has my own back no matter what the outcome.

[00:06:37] Your action step for this episode,

[00:06:40] if you're like,

[00:06:41] well, I need to be 100% sure,

[00:06:43] I need to be totally certain,

[00:06:45] is to use the tools I gave you in this episode to bring the certainty.

[00:06:50] Write it down for yourself.

[00:06:51] Reference it later.

[00:06:52] I bring the certainty.

[00:06:54] It's just so much more empowering to live your life that way.

[00:06:59] Listen up.

[00:06:59] Taking charge of your perfectionism is so much easier than you have been led to believe.

[00:07:05] Whether you want to stop playing out worst case scenarios in your head

[00:07:08] or be joyfully present ambitious again,

[00:07:11] you don't need more rigid rules,

[00:07:14] guesswork,

[00:07:15] or hard work in perfectionism recovery,

[00:07:27] inside of perfectionism optimized.

[00:07:30] Besides the obvious,