Comparing Yourself

[00:00:00] When you compare yourself to other people who you think are doing better than you, it's the same thing as telling someone who you don't think is doing as well as you are. Telling them they are not as worthy of all the things that you are worthy of.

[00:00:16] If you are ready to burn bright instead of burning out, to lead without losing yourself, and to enjoy the life you have worked so hard to create, then keep listening. I'm your host, America's leader on rewiring perfectionism, CLG, and this is Perfectionism Rewired, the podcast.

[00:00:36] Welcome to Perfectionism Rewired. Today we are unraveling comparing yourself. In this episode, you will discover the unique and sneaky ways that us perfectionists compare ourselves and learn why it is not your fault all of this self-comparison is happening.

[00:00:59] We are not approaching this perfectionist tendency or any perfectionist tendencies as toxic. Like, you naughty perfectionist you, just stop comparing yourself already.

[00:01:14] The reason this podcast, perfectionism rewired exists and why I created Perfectionist Solutions, the only one-on-one coaching exclusively designed for perfectionistic people, is because the mainstream narrative around perfectionism, like every podcast that I listen to, every coach that I have ever hired, every program, every course,

[00:01:42] like everything that I interact with, the advice is just stop being a perfectionist. Like, being a perfectionist is wrong. It's really harmful. Cut it out. Now, that is very incorrect scientifically. Being a maladaptive perfectionist is harmful, but being an adaptive rewired perfectionist is super useful.

[00:02:08] I am here to actually help you. I am here to actually help you quit fighting against yourself so you can rewire and take charge of your perfectionistic tendencies. When I am rewiring with private client inside of Perfectionist Solutions, one of the areas that always pops up is comparing yourself.

[00:02:31] Most insights, tools, advice on self-comparison are super annoying. It's surface level. Like, comparison is the thief of joy.

[00:02:46] This is why I am bringing you this mini-series on comparing yourself. Because intellectually, knowing, oh yeah, I compare myself all the time and it tastes like liquid suffering, that awareness doesn't help anyone actually rewire the perfectionistic tendency of comparing yourself.

[00:03:10] I get it. It is so frustrating, especially in your head. You're like, I have the self-awareness. I'm comparing myself. I shouldn't be doing it anymore. I should just be able to change it. I should be able to switch it off like it's a light switch. I should be able to do it on my own. Other people that have accomplished way less than me, they are satisfied with their life. What's my problem? Why can't I get it together? Why can't I just be happy with my life right now? Sound familiar?

[00:03:39] There is a critical distinction between self-awareness and self-coaching. Self-awareness is understanding yourself without judgment. It is understanding your brain with curiosity, not contempt. It is knowing what's going on inside your person with your physiology. It is giving you languaging around what's occurring. That is self-awareness.

[00:04:08] Self-awareness is an important piece. That's what this podcast, Perfectionism Rewired, helps you with. It's all about developing your self-awareness.

[00:04:17] Now, there's this other thing called self-coaching, which is a skill that you build where you are able to create permanent, sustainable change for yourself. You practice changing your patterns, changing your emotional ecosystem, changing your responses, changing your thinking, changing your tools. All of that practice makes permanent.

[00:04:41] There is an odd occasion that having self-awareness is enough to create permanent change. But 99.7% of the time, it's not. Self-awareness is not enough to create change, let alone permanent change. You, especially as a perfectionist, you need personalized tools to help you make those shifts in your day-to-day.

[00:05:07] You're already busy enough. You don't have an hour every day to meditate, get into the zone, and go to a flowing stream. You also need support so that you are consistently implementing what you're learning. And you're not like, oh, okay, this sounds good. CLG is talking about self-awareness versus self-coaching. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to Google that and download 15 other podcasts about that topic because I find that interesting.

[00:05:34] No. As a perfectionist, you need to have personalized tools to help you make those shifts in your day-to-day. You need support so you consistently implement what you're learning. And you also need a professional so that the tools you are learning, that they don't turn into weapons, and that you are implementing in the correct way for you. Because the absolute worst thing to do is to be like, oh, I can do it all by myself.

[00:06:00] I found out the hard way. You could be using tools that are helping you make shifts in your day-to-day, and you could be consistently implementing those on your own, but you could be implementing them the wrong way. It could be utterly incorrect for you, you as an individual. Perfectionism is not one size fits all. It is highly nuanced.

[00:06:24] What happened to me is I ended up creating a lot more work for myself and doing more damage rather than helping myself. That is why right now you can snag a limited edition single coaching session with me where you bring me that thing that stresses you out, that thing you are super aware of and frustrated by, and I will teach you how to stop it from taking control of your mind

[00:06:54] and what you can do instead so that you can feel more joy. If that interests you, go to CourtneyLoveGavin.com slash rewire, that's R-E-W-I-R-E today. And now let's get into it, starting with the ways perfectionists compare. Now, maybe you're like me and you're like, I don't compare myself to other people.

[00:07:22] I'm only in competition with myself. If that's you, you definitely want to listen to this episode to learn about the sneaky ways you are comparing yourself. Number one, you compare yourself to your past self. This is problematic because the most common advice, if you're comparing yourself in a negative way, is to compare current you to vintage you.

[00:07:49] Stop comparing yourself to other people and just compare who you are right now to who you were a year ago. That advice might work for pedestrians, but for perfectionistic people, that tool becomes a weapon. We will look at what we had in the past and what we don't have now. Like, I used to be in incredible shape, and now I'm not. Or, OMG, 2023 was amazing, and I was amazing.

[00:08:19] And 2024 sucked. The energy behind it is, I need to get back to doing things how I was doing them then. I need to get back to who I used to be, to a vintage, a past version of yourself. Because that was good, and now it's bad. Like, I was good then, and now I'm bad. And I just want you to see that that is, like, very clear-cut black-and-white thinking,

[00:08:49] a perfectionist tendency that is scientifically known as dichotomous thinking. When you compare yourself in this way, compare current you to vintage you, it usually feels productive. Like, if you can just figure out what you were doing then and just get back there, then you'll feel proud of yourself, or then you'll be able to do this. But truth booth, you want to grow forward.

[00:09:17] You don't want to be living your life in rewind mode. You want to become your next self, not your past self. This doesn't mean, though, that you can only focus on who you are now. You don't dismiss all the things that were working for you in 2023. You want to bring those with you. And you also want to acknowledge the many things that were also working for you in 2024

[00:09:44] and have been working for you so far this year. You want to bring the wisdom and the lessons and the gold with you. The second way us perfectionists tend to compare ourselves is we compare ourselves to other people. And as perfectionists, we can hyperfixate on what we think we're not. Like, I'm not as far along as they are, so I can never do what they do.

[00:10:10] I'm not as charismatic as all the other speakers on stage, so I can never get up on stage. I'm not as flexible as they are, so I could never be present with my kids with all those dishes in the sink and post a picture of it on Instagram for everyone to see how many dishes I have in my sink, how that must mean that I'm a terrible mom.

[00:10:34] These self-imposed upper limits on what you can and cannot do and who you can and cannot be and what you're allowed to experience and what you're not allowed to experience are control tactics. You are trying to control your vulnerability to avoid feeling disappointed and inadequate.

[00:10:58] Except truth booth, step into the truth booth here with me, you already are feeling disappointed and inadequate right now. If you don't want to be a judgmental person, if you want to be less judgy, you've got to understand this truth. When you compare yourself to other people who you think are doing better than you, it's the same thing as telling someone who you don't think is doing as well as you are.

[00:11:28] Telling them they are not as worthy of all the things that you are worthy of. Ouch. That stings a little bit. The truth does sometimes. Also, when you compare yourself to another person, they might not have the same values that you have. Their intentions could be totally different. So if they don't have the same values that you do and they don't have the same intentions that you do

[00:11:56] when it comes to how you are living your life, then comparing that person you were in a sorority with to you doesn't make any sense. It's asinine because it's like, oh yeah, they might have more money, but you know what? I don't value money as much as I value experiences with the people I love the most. Or they might be farther along than I am, but I have the intention.

[00:12:25] I'm not going to sacrifice other areas of my life so that I can progress faster in my career. You can't compare your insides to anyone else's outsides because you never know what's going on inside their head. I coach people who have everything. You would never imagine that they are struggling at all, let alone as much as they are.

[00:12:52] No matter how well someone can present or how many accomplishments they've racked up, we can never actually know what is happening inside them. So comparing something on the outside to you and your inside, like the math ain't mathin'. The third way perfectionists, how we tend to compare ourselves, is we compare who we are right now to our future self.

[00:13:21] It's this gap between who you are today and who your mind believes you should be in the future. It is this never-ending comparison of where you are today and where you think you should be tomorrow. And it is this horizon that you will never arrive at no matter how fast you go or what you do. We want these accomplishments. We want to have these boxes checked so we will feel good.

[00:13:51] You probably think the way to get that is by continuously moving the goalposts. As soon as you achieve a goal, as soon as you get there, you set a new one. And you barely even give yourself a high five because you are already thinking about the next thing and running towards it. Truly knowing. And when I say truly knowing, I'm not talking about intellectually knowing this. Or logically, I understand.

[00:14:20] But knowing. Like when it's knowing, it's just how you operate. You don't have to think about it. You just know. Knowing that at every moment you are worthy of all the joy, the dignity, the connection, the love, and the liberation. Knowing that you get to feel that way. You get to have that right now. This ideal version of yourself that you see in your head,

[00:14:46] this future you, you believe, is worthy of feeling good, of being treated with dignity, of being loved, feeling free in your life to do whatever it is that you want to do. Like that version of you, that future you, they are just as worthy of the you that is listening to this right now.

[00:15:12] You, right now, are worthy of all the joy, dignity, connection, love, and liberation without looking a different way, having a different title, living in a different house, making a different salary. All of those external things we attach to our worth that we think are going to bring us the joy, the dignity, the connection, the love, and the liberation. You have to source that stuff yourself. You got to get high on your own supply.

[00:15:41] It's not going to come from anywhere else. And how you can source that, you can find by listening to other episodes of Perfectionism Rewired. In fact, there are two in particular I will link for you in the show notes. Now, all of the ways perfectionists compare ourselves, how we compare ourselves to who

[00:16:06] we were in the past, how we compare ourselves to other people, and how we compare ourselves to who we are right now and who we should be in the future, they all have one thing in common. We are punishing ourselves. Comparing is demeaning and derogatory. Past, present, and future you.

[00:16:32] This comparison is just another way to punish yourself and feel miserable. Now, I don't know about you, but my brain already gives me an abundance of ways to feel miserable as a perfectionist. We don't need one more. And it's not your fault that you are comparing yourself.

[00:16:54] These compliance-based structures, super common in Western education and medicine, have taught you the best way to change a behavior is to punish yourself. Like, it is not your fault that you're comparing. These compliance-based structures we have been immersed in since we were little in school,

[00:17:19] and maybe even before school, have taught the best way to change behavior is to punish, or the only way to change behavior is to punish. Maybe you got spanked when you were little. Maybe you got put in timeout. Maybe you got grounded in your room. Maybe you got your toys taken away from you. It was punishment. There is a distinction between punishment versus discipline. Punishment is not discipline. Being disciplined is not being punished.

[00:17:49] Punishment is designed to create pain. Discipline is designed to create structure. When you punish yourself, aka compare yourself, you are putting yourself in pain. You feel like poop, and you're way more likely to make poor choices. When you're disciplined, you focus on useful behaviors.

[00:18:15] You empower yourself because you know that when you feel strong, you make excellent choices. It is not your fault you're comparing. But now that you have the awareness of it, it is your responsibility to change it. It's your responsibility to develop the skills of acknowledging your achievements for more than 1.5 seconds, and actually let yourself feel good about where you are at right now,

[00:18:45] without constantly being like, no, it's not enough yet. It's not enough yet. I'm not doing enough. If you are ready to rise up, take responsibility, and start enjoying the life that you have worked so hard to create, getting to the root of your perfectionistic tendencies like comparing yourself is the key. It's not like, oh, you just need to look at it this way, but really get to why you are struggling to see it that way in the first place.

[00:19:11] Study after study shows that understanding the underlying factors that contribute to your perfectionistic tendencies speeds up your progress and creates sustainable, lasting results. I see this on a daily basis with perfectionism-optimized clients. They become more present, confident, and playful, especially like the deep processor perfectionists who need to know the why

[00:19:39] before something actually begins to resonate for them. Connecting the why behind the strategies makes them meaningful and easier to implement in your day-to-day, and it aligns with the way that perfectionistic brains naturally work. We want to understand the variables, the context. We delight in the details. If you're ready to rise up, take responsibility, and start actually enjoying the life that you have worked so hard to create,

[00:20:09] I am inviting you to snag an introductory one-on-one coaching session. Reach out to book your single session at CourtneyLoveGavin.com slash rewire. Tomorrow, we are continuing with comparing yourself. You will learn the scientific answer why perfectionists have an even harder time than non-perfectionistic people in rewiring this habit. You will also discover the hidden costs of comparing yourself,

[00:20:39] why the approach you've taken to stop hasn't worked, and what you actually need to do. If you have a friend who might be struggling with perfectionistic tendencies, please share this podcast with them. And if you're a corporate leader and you have someone on your team that you see struggling with self-comparison, share this specific episode with them.

[00:21:03] Let's help start a conversation that could change the way that we work for the better. Because everybody benefits when us perfectionists rewire. Businesses, companies, they benefit too. Take care. Bye. Listen up. Taking charge of your perfectionism is so much easier than you have been led to believe. Whether you want to stop playing out worst-case scenarios in your head or be joyfully present ambitious again,

[00:21:32] you don't need more rigid rules, guesswork, or hard work in perfectionism recovery. You need a framework that helps you understand and most importantly, rewire your perfectionistic habits from the inside out. It starts inside of perfectionism optimized. Besides the obvious mental health and wellness benefits, rewiring your perfectionism is the fastest way to figure out

[00:21:58] what's really underneath your perfectionistic patterns. This radically different, proven, proprietary approach helps you succeed by dropping the contempt and judgment that blocks change. Discover how to trust yourself, take control of your world, and feel truly empowered to own your perfectionism instead of being owned by it. Head on over to CourtneyLoveGavin.com and start your transformation today.