Confessions of an Approval Seeking Perfectionist: From Insecure to Empowered Oscar Winner

[00:00:00] We think that if we can just have enough people say we're doing a good job, say that we are successful, then we might actually finally believe it. Truth Booth, if you don't believe it first, it doesn't matter how much praise, approval, acceptance, and accolades you get from other people because you will just deflect it.

[00:00:22] If you are ready to burn bright instead of burning out, to lead without losing yourself, and to enjoy the life you have worked so hard to create, then keep listening. I'm your host, America's leader on rewiring perfectionism, CLG, and this is Perfectionism Rewired, the podcast.

[00:00:42] Welcome to Perfectionism Rewired. Today, I am giving you the secret to get praise, acknowledgement, approval, and recognition the healthy, reliable way. Before I was a rewired perfectionist, I was trying to get approval from everyone. Approval extended to my friendships, my romantic relationship, my family,

[00:01:12] it was everywhere. Maybe you, right now, know the way that you're currently operating and getting approval, validation, recognition isn't working for you. It's not sustainable. It doesn't last and you just need more and more. And then you get to the point where you never get enough of it and it never actually makes us feel good. It makes us feel worse. That was when I hit rock bottom and I was like, I can't remember the last time I felt proud. And it was really sad because I was doing amazing things and pretended to feel good about it, but I didn't.

[00:01:42] And I felt worse. And then everyone around me was praising me and I felt even worse about that. I realized that for all of my life, I was running on this awful treadmill, just trying to get this approval, chasing after this thing that was always on the horizon. I was never going to be able to reach it.

[00:01:59] And it didn't feel good. Maybe you feel me and you're ready to make that change. If that's you, I got you covered and you for sure want to listen to this episode. By listening to this episode, you are going to start developing the skill of learning how to give yourself praise, recognition, validation, and approval.

[00:02:20] I'm going to break down why it is that you feel you need the praise, recognition, and approval. I'm also going to dispel the top lies that your brain will give you when it comes to giving yourself praise, approval, and recognition.

[00:02:38] And I'm going to give you the tools so that you can start to learn and develop the skill of giving yourself praise, recognition, approval. So let's get into it.

[00:02:52] A perfectionism optimized client who also happens to be a celebrity was finding that no matter how good she was doing in her many roles as an actor and an executive producer, her own clothing line, etc.

[00:03:12] She noticed that she was still desperate to get praise and approval from her peers.

[00:03:19] And she was telling me that she's like, I feel like I'm a needy child vying for attention. People think that she could care less. But inside, she was like, I'm secretly looking for approval around every corner. She's in a cooking club. When she goes to cooking clubs, she's like, I make it a point to talk to everyone to see if they have tasted and enjoyed the dish that I made.

[00:03:42] This experience of feeling like you are a needy child vying for approval and praise is a very common experience for high achieving, successful type A perfectionists.

[00:03:58] Because as perfectionists, we have the skill and ability to see how things can be better. And we have the compulsion and the energy to actually make it happen.

[00:04:09] As we are making things happen in our day to day, we end up investing a good amount of emotional energy into everything that we do without even realizing it.

[00:04:20] And when we are investing our energy, we of course want an ROI. And that ROI is oftentimes validation, recognition, approval, and connection.

[00:04:34] And how you know that this is you is if you notice that you can feel blindsided by how much it irks you when people don't experience you the way that you want.

[00:04:48] Like there can be this sense of why am I still thinking about this? I don't even care. Except you caring isn't the problem.

[00:04:55] The reason why we perfectionists so desperately want this validation, approval, and praise from other people is because we're not getting it from ourselves.

[00:05:09] So they are your main source. It creates this dependency. It puts the power outside of you. It makes it so that you are no longer in control.

[00:05:18] We think that if we can just have enough people say we're doing a good job, say that we are successful, and that we're doing amazing, then we might actually finally believe it.

[00:05:31] Truth booth, if you don't believe it first, it doesn't matter how much praise, approval, acceptance, and accolades you get from other people because you will just deflect it.

[00:05:43] And that is actually why that perfectionism-optimized client, she came to me because she's like, I've won an Oscar. I have all these things going for me.

[00:05:54] She just realized it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how much praise, recognition, and approval you get.

[00:06:01] You're still going to feel empty. You're still going to feel starving and needy.

[00:06:05] That is why it is a must for you to develop the skill of learning how to give yourself praise, approval, and recognition and actually effing receive it.

[00:06:20] Now, for those of you that you're like, I don't want to give this to myself, before you turn off this podcast episode, I have an analogy for you.

[00:06:29] I want you to think of the praise, recognition, and approval that you want as food.

[00:06:36] And instead of feeding yourself, you are going through life asking other people to feed you.

[00:06:42] And not just give you some, but like put it in your mouth like you're a baby.

[00:06:46] Pretty awkward to be like, hey, can you put four bites in my mouth?

[00:06:50] Of course you're always going to be starving if you can't feed yourself and digest it.

[00:06:55] If you don't know how to digest it, it's just going to sit in your mouth.

[00:06:58] You're always going to be ravenous.

[00:07:00] I don't want you to be ravenous anymore.

[00:07:02] I want you to be able to develop the skill of learning how to give yourself praise and approval and actually receive it.

[00:07:10] You probably have supportive people in your life and you still feel like you're not good enough.

[00:07:18] And maybe you even feel worse about that because you're like, I have such encouraging people around me.

[00:07:23] Why is it that I still don't feel like I'm good enough?

[00:07:27] That's verbatim of what that Oscar winning perfectionism optimized client she was experiencing before she developed this skill.

[00:07:36] Do you relate to that?

[00:07:37] You still feel like you're not good enough, even when all of these encouraging people around you who are giving you praise and recognition.

[00:07:44] It doesn't matter how supportive everyone else is if you're not supportive of you.

[00:07:49] If you're not empowering yourself sustainably, there is no compliment, praise, approval, award, achievement that will ever truly hit home.

[00:08:00] After you develop this skill, like the difference now for that Oscar winning perfectionism optimized client that I mentioned at the top of the episode is that now it actually lands.

[00:08:10] Now, when she goes up to accept an award on stage, she actually believes she deserves it and can receive all of the goodness in her life.

[00:08:21] It's the same for you.

[00:08:22] Once you learn this skill, oh, you can actually receive it.

[00:08:25] You can actually believe it.

[00:08:27] It is a win, win, win all over the place.

[00:08:30] And bonus, you're going to be getting more praise and approval from other people, but you're actually going to be able to take it in.

[00:08:38] You're actually going to be able to digest it and to embody it.

[00:08:42] Instead of being where you are at right now, trying so hard, you are hustling so hard to get that praise and approval and recognition from other people.

[00:08:53] Even when you get it, it doesn't land.

[00:08:55] It doesn't hit home.

[00:08:55] So you get right back on that approval treadmill.

[00:08:58] You might be thinking that giving yourself your own gold stars, giving yourself praise, acknowledging yourself, that's going to feel so awkward.

[00:09:07] That's going to be uncomfortable.

[00:09:09] Here is what I would tell you if I were your coach.

[00:09:12] What you're doing right now, how's that working for you?

[00:09:16] How's panhandling going?

[00:09:18] Going out with your tin cup, looking for praise.

[00:09:21] My Oscar winning perfectionism optimized client, she thought, if I do that, I'll get lazy.

[00:09:26] I'm worried that I'm not going to be motivated.

[00:09:29] You're actually going to be upgrading your motivation.

[00:09:32] Your motivation will switch from external to intrinsic motivation.

[00:09:36] External motivation is Motel 6, scratchy sheets, stains on the carpet.

[00:09:41] That's external motivation.

[00:09:43] Intristic motivation is five-star luxury hotel with a butler.

[00:09:48] A sleep number bed, salt crystal floors in the bathroom.

[00:09:54] That is what intrinsic motivation is.

[00:09:56] If you're wondering what the heck is external motivation or extrinsic motivation, external motivation is motivation to participate, to do something based on meeting an external goal garnering praise and approval or receiving an award or payment.

[00:10:13] External motivation might be why you go to work.

[00:10:15] Science looked even more closely at this and found the difference between what they call controlled motivation and autonomous motivation.

[00:10:26] Autonomous motivation is a type of intrinsic motivation, which means that you're doing something because you want to and you enjoy the process of it.

[00:10:34] I did an entire deep dive podcast on your unconscious motivational pattern, and I will link that in the show notes.

[00:10:43] So intrinsic motivation is the kind that we want because it means that we are in charge.

[00:10:49] When you are manipulated or pressured or doing something because you need something outside of you, that is controlled motivation.

[00:10:57] You're not actually in control if you're in controlled motivation.

[00:11:00] So you're not going to get lazy by doing this.

[00:11:03] Your motivation is going to switch from external and controlled motivation to autonomous and intrinsic motivation.

[00:11:09] And that is like the creme de la creme top tier motivation.

[00:11:12] That's what you want.

[00:11:13] It doesn't mean that you're not going to care about striving for excellence or going after recognition or awards or things like that.

[00:11:21] The difference is you are no longer going to be coming from this needy, desperate, insecure place.

[00:11:26] Direct quote from the Oscar winning perfectionism optimized client.

[00:11:30] She said, I am still campaigning during awards season, but I am coming from a place of confidence.

[00:11:38] I am so much more comfortable with myself and confident in who I am.

[00:11:43] For the first time in my life, I value my own opinion more than my agents, my managers, anyone else.

[00:11:49] Instead of just hoping that everyone else around me thinks all of these lovely things about myself,

[00:11:56] I do the work and I think them about myself.

[00:11:58] That's what happens when you are a client inside of perfectionism optimized.

[00:12:04] You just start praising yourself and you feel good about yourself without you even having to intentionally direct your mind there.

[00:12:12] That is the autopilot.

[00:12:13] Okay, back to the lies.

[00:12:16] If you're like, I don't know how to do this.

[00:12:18] I don't know how to praise myself.

[00:12:20] I'm bad at this.

[00:12:21] Right now, if you have a lot of negative self-talk, like let's say your self-critic is like a news ticker.

[00:12:26] It's just going 24-7.

[00:12:28] Guess what?

[00:12:29] You already know how to do this.

[00:12:31] You already have a great skill in self-talk.

[00:12:36] You're just changing the words.

[00:12:38] Another lie is you're like, I'm confused.

[00:12:40] I don't know how.

[00:12:41] It's not hard.

[00:12:42] You know what you can do?

[00:12:43] Just say the opposite of what's already on blast inside your head.

[00:12:47] That's what I did in the beginning.

[00:12:48] I was like, it's opposite day.

[00:12:50] Another lies.

[00:12:51] It won't feel as good if it's coming from me or it won't matter as much.

[00:12:54] That is probably the biggest lie we tell ourselves.

[00:12:57] When you tell yourself a lie with enough repetition, you'll actually believe it.

[00:13:02] That's why you think it won't feel as good and it won't matter as much.

[00:13:06] Maybe you're worried that you're going to turn into a narcissist or get conceited.

[00:13:11] That's another lie by giving yourself praise and recognition.

[00:13:16] You're not going to get conceited.

[00:13:17] You're not going to turn into mediocre Molly.

[00:13:21] You're not going to be average Annie.

[00:13:23] You are going to continue striving for excellence.

[00:13:26] You are going to have more connected relationships.

[00:13:29] Why?

[00:13:29] Because you are more connected to yourself.

[00:13:32] If you are feeling like, I just wish that there were more supportive people in my life.

[00:13:37] I wish that my partner was more supportive.

[00:13:39] I wish that my boss was more supportive.

[00:13:42] That's a sign you are not being a supportive person in your life.

[00:13:46] You need to step it up.

[00:13:48] You got to be a supportive person for yourself.

[00:13:50] If you're thinking, I'm just around so many Eeyores, negative, downer people.

[00:13:58] Like, nobody believes in me.

[00:14:00] I just really wish that my family would believe in me or like support what I'm doing.

[00:14:05] That's another sign that, hey, you aren't supporting what you're doing.

[00:14:09] You're not believing in what you're doing.

[00:14:11] Never ask someone else to do a job that you're unwilling to do.

[00:14:15] You got to start doing it yourself.

[00:14:17] What you want to do is start giving yourself more praise, recognition, and approval, which

[00:14:23] will be easy to do because probably right now you're giving yourself zero.

[00:14:30] It's simple, super simple to increase giving yourself some praise and recognition and approval

[00:14:36] when you're starting at zero or maybe you're starting at negative 10.

[00:14:41] As you give yourself more praise and recognition and your desire to get it from others,

[00:14:46] it won't really matter because you won't be desperate for it.

[00:14:50] If you get it, great.

[00:14:51] You can receive it, but you don't need it because you're already getting that from yourself.

[00:14:58] Here's how to get started.

[00:14:59] I'm going to give you some quality questions so that you can start giving yourself your own

[00:15:04] gold stars.

[00:15:06] So open up notes, get a pencil, write them down.

[00:15:08] If you were getting more praise and approval, who would it be from?

[00:15:12] And what would they say?

[00:15:13] And you want to get uncomfortably specific.

[00:15:17] If you give vague, lackluster answers, you're going to get vague, lackluster results.

[00:15:23] You want to get really, really specific.

[00:15:24] What is it that you wish they would say to you?

[00:15:28] Once you have that list, you're going to come up with 10 things that you say to yourself.

[00:15:33] Okay?

[00:15:34] Because when you're first starting, instead of just telling yourself, I'm going to praise

[00:15:37] myself three times a day, you want to have meal prep.

[00:15:39] Going back to the eating analogy, instead of just saying, I'm going to feed myself three

[00:15:43] times a day, you want to have your food already done and packed.

[00:15:46] You want to be replenishing yourself, having this list of things that you can go to.

[00:15:52] As your skill builds, you're going to be able to say things to yourself like this.

[00:15:55] I'm so proud of myself that I showed up to record this podcast today when I didn't even

[00:16:01] feel like it.

[00:16:02] This is really helpful when you don't feel like doing something because you get the benefit

[00:16:08] of knowing that your future self is going to be praising you if you show up.

[00:16:13] I know it can sound silly, but when you think about how much we do in order just to have

[00:16:19] other people say nice things about us, it does work when you know that your future self

[00:16:25] is going to be praising you and recognizing you.

[00:16:28] It helps you show up.

[00:16:30] When you do this enough, your perfectionist brain is just going to go there automatically.

[00:16:36] You're able to do this without the smog that comes in right after.

[00:16:42] Like you praise and then your mind goes, oh yeah, but you should have done this differently

[00:16:46] or oh yeah, but you could have done it faster.

[00:16:48] None of that happens when you develop this skill.

[00:16:51] If you are tired of everything on the outside looking all good, but inside you are secretly

[00:16:56] looking for approval and you just want presence in your life, then you need to be inside perfectionism

[00:17:03] optimized private one-on-one coaching.

[00:17:05] You can do that by going to courtneylovegavin.com slash optimized.

[00:17:09] Listen up.

[00:17:10] Taking charge of your perfectionism is so much easier than you have been led to believe.

[00:17:16] Whether you want to stop playing out worst case scenarios in your head or be joyfully

[00:17:20] present ambitious again, you don't need more rigid rules, guesswork, or hard work in perfectionism

[00:17:28] recovery.

[00:17:29] You need a framework that helps you understand and most importantly rewire your perfectionistic

[00:17:36] habits from the inside out.

[00:17:38] It starts inside of perfectionism optimized.

[00:17:41] Besides the obvious mental health and wellness benefits, rewiring your perfectionism is the

[00:17:47] fastest way to figure out what's really underneath your perfectionistic patterns.

[00:17:52] This radically different proven proprietary approach helps you succeed by dropping the contempt and

[00:18:00] judgment that blocks change.

[00:18:02] Discover how to trust yourself, take control of your world, and feel truly empowered to own

[00:18:09] your perfectionism instead of being owned by it.

[00:18:14] Head on over to courtneylovegavin.com and start your transformation today.