The Right Way To Compare Yourself

[00:00:00] If you are unable to enjoy your life in the present, if you are unable to feel successful right now, that's what you want to work on, not deferring it to future you. If you are ready to burn bright instead of burning out, to lead without losing yourself, and to enjoy the life you have worked so hard to create, then keep listening.

[00:00:22] I'm your host, America's leader on rewiring perfectionism, CLG, and this is Perfectionism Rewired, the podcast. Welcome to Perfectionism Rewired. Today we are talking about comparing yourself. This episode is part three of three, our mini series on self-comparison, and specifically

[00:00:45] how that shows up for perfectionists like you and me. If you haven't listened to the other two episodes, episode 245 and 246, the links to both are in this episode's show notes. I invite you to listen to those two episodes so this one will make even more sense for you. In the previous episode,

[00:01:13] episode 246, we touched on counterfactual thinking and how perfectionists, we're prone to compare our current situation with what could have been, where I should be, if only I would have. When you are comparing yourself, it falls under the umbrella of counterfactual thinking. Because perfectionists

[00:01:36] are highly skilled at noticing the gap between the ideal and reality, constantly seeing how things can be improved upon, having this vision and the drive to execute it. We engage in counterfactual thinking throughout the majority of our lives. The goal here is not to eradicate comparing yourself. The goal is

[00:02:04] not to eradicate counterfactual thinking. You want to think of these counterfactuals, or when you are comparing yourself, it's a cognitive reflex. When we say reflex, it's basically an initial reaction. Like when I hear on the news someone torturing animals, I have an initial reaction to get a blowtorch and melt their face off. But I don't actually do that. That's just like my initial reaction.

[00:02:30] When you're comparing yourself, it's an initial reaction. What you do next, that's what actually matters. It also helps to know you are more likely to experience the unhealthy self-comparison during those moments when you make a mistake, hit a setback, are jealous, or are disappointed. You,

[00:02:53] just like all humans, cannot control your unconscious reactions. But you do have the power to choose a conscious response. This choice is not a one and done. It's not like a crockpot. You don't set it and forget it. Choosing how you respond to what your brain is giving you is a choice that you get to make

[00:03:18] for the rest of your life. Now let's get into how to choose a conscious response. All of the tools that I'm going to share with you inside this episode work 100% of the time when you develop this skill set of cake. C stands for connect with your whole self, not just what's happening above your neck and what your brain is thinking, but like, what am I feeling inside of my person? Am I clenchy? Has my foot gone numb? Am I scowling?

[00:03:46] A is for acceptance. Accepting all of yourself, especially the annoying, complicated, shady parts. Accepting where you are right now, not where you think you should be. There's a podcast episode linked in the show notes all about accepting where you are right now, not where you think you should be. K is for kindness. Kindness is instead of judging or criticizing or pouting,

[00:04:13] you recognize how you're feeling. E is for empathy. When you help yourself feel seen and understood. Once you develop skill set of cake, connect, accept, kindness, and empathy, that is how you are able to make that conscious choice. Because I bet that you are like a lot of my one-on-one coaching clients where when they come to me in the beginning, they'll be like, CLG, you say that it's a choice,

[00:04:43] but it doesn't feel like it's a choice. It doesn't feel like I'm in charge. If that is happening for you, it's because you haven't developed this skill set of cake yet. Let's say you implement everything in this mini-series on comparing yourself. So you no longer punish yourself through comparing,

[00:05:07] but now you're punishing yourself through people-pleasing. Why? Making tactical changes are trash trades. When I'm saying tactical changes, I mean what you're doing on the surface level. Because you never actually rewired the punishing yourself aspect. And you never rewired how you respond to what your brain is giving you. Counterfactual thinking with people-pleasing is,

[00:05:34] if I don't go to this, then my mom's going to be so disappointed. That can be your cognitive reflex, but you get to choose what you do next. Just because your mind might be giving you, oh, you should totally say yes because she's totally going to hate you. You can still say in that situation, not right now, no can do. Inside of perfectionism optimized, you rewire and heal.

[00:05:56] So that you get to experience the change of actually leveraging your perfectionistic tendencies as assets. Not just intellectually understanding that you are worthy of love, dignity, connection, joy, and liberation, but actually being willing to make lots of mistakes and have that resilience that you always bounce back. To be able to detach yourself from who you are and what you do

[00:06:25] and what you achieve and to become joyfully ambitious and present in your life again. Why does that happen? Because when you rewire and heal, change is a natural byproduct of that. It's just like when you're eating better, your skin improves. Why? It's a natural byproduct of nourishing yourself from the inside out. Now let's get into how to tell when your comparisons

[00:06:54] are healthy. When your comparisons are healthy, they will have these three things going on. One, what you are comparing is something that you have personal agency over. The second aspect that all healthy comparisons have is they are explicit about the change you will be making. And the third

[00:07:18] thing is that it needs to be solutions oriented in a way that strengthens you and empowers you. You are coming from possibility and not from fear. Remember, you need to have all three of these things. If you only have one, it's unhealthy. To bring this to life, I am giving you four different examples and what you can do instead. First example, I should have worn a dress to meet my in-laws.

[00:07:44] Then they would adore me. This is unhealthy because whenever you say should or should have, or I should be here, you are arguing with reality. You're talking about the past. You don't have the ability to turn back time. Also, despite your brain's best efforts, you cannot control how other people feel. How I would recommend approaching this is if you're going to make up a story, make up a

[00:08:10] magnificent one. I should have worn a dress to meet my in-laws. Then they would adore me. Okay. You could have worn a dress to meet your in-laws that you hated. And how do you know whether or not they adore you? You don't. You could try and infer one way or the other, but what you look for, you will always find. A magnificent story to tell about yourself would be pants help me feel even more confident. I'm so glad I wore them to meet my in-laws. You know what? My in-laws, they love how

[00:08:38] confident I am. And who cares if they adore me? I adore me. And that is the opinion I value most of all. Example number two, if only I would have majored in neuroscience, then I'd be winning a Nobel prize. It's unhealthy. You're going into the past. You don't have personal agency over whether or not you get a Nobel prize. You're also not being explicit about the change that you would be making.

[00:09:06] Majoring in neuroscience doesn't equal winning a Nobel prize. Example number three, I should have asked for a raise when I was 25. Then I would be making much more money now and have a beach house like Jessica. I need to stop being so afraid of rejection. I always assume that if my boss wanted to give me a raise, they would. When will I stop being a doorman at work? I'm such an idiot for not

[00:09:33] asking. Here is how you can choose to direct that information. Questions to ask yourself would be, do I want to ask for a raise now? Asking for a raise is something that you have personal agency over. And I'm saying now because we want to get you back into the present. Do I want a beach house? What does having a beach house mean to me? Then you're able to get clear about what the beach house is representing.

[00:09:59] We always want to get clear on that because objects, just like achievements, can never make us feel a certain way. In this example, if it was having a beach house means that I'm successful. Okay, that's clear to me that you don't think of yourself as successful right now. Let's build that muscle. Having a beach house would be from fear. It would be fear-based striving because you don't believe that you are already successful.

[00:10:27] Therefore, you need to have a beach house in order to feel successful. Study after study shows if you are unable to experience an emotion or accept a quality about yourself right now, you're not going to be able to do it in the future because we never live in the future. All that we are ever in is the present moment right now. In the future, you're still going to be in the right now. You're saying, once I do this, then I'll be able to enjoy my life. If you can't do it now, you're not going to

[00:10:57] be able to do it in the future. If you are unable to enjoy your life in the present, if you are unable to feel successful right now, that's what you want to work on, not deferring it to future you. Okay, do I want to ask for a raise now? Do I want a beach house? What does a beach house mean to me? And then do I want to be unafraid of rejection? It's solutions oriented. It's like, I want to ask for a raise right now. I realize I don't actually want a beach house. I actually

[00:11:27] just want to be able to feel and believe that I am successful. I don't want to be afraid of rejection anymore because I realized I'm people pleasing because I'm afraid of rejection. I'm wearing boring ass clothes that I don't even like because I'm afraid of wearing what gives me joy because I don't want people to think I'm weird, no longer like me because they don't like my clothes.

[00:11:49] Yes, I want to be unafraid of rejection. Am I willing to invest the time, money, and energy to change this right now? That's another solutions oriented type question. When we think about the three things that makes comparisons healthy, this was a comparison in the past and also a comparison to someone else. I would imagine that this scenario would come up if like I was scrolling Instagram

[00:12:17] and my friend Jessica is like, here's our new beach house. That might give you a cognitive reflex of like, oh, I should have asked for a raise when I was 25. Then I would be this. And then this is wrong with me. It's just like a crappy cycle that we tend to get caught in. But when you look at those questions, which are the healthy way to respond to it, we're asking questions that relate to your

[00:12:43] personal agency, are explicit about the change that you'll be making and solutions oriented. It's about the possibility, not fear-based striving. Example number four, I realized this is our last one as I'm going through this. All of them are examples of unhealthy comparisons. I feel like that's a lot more helpful and that's why you're listening to this. By developing the skill set of CAKE and by

[00:13:07] practicing this over and over again and choosing how to respond, your cognitive reflex will start to be in the direction of possibility. When coaching a client and they bring in unhealthy comparisons, I will always go towards what they have agency over, making it specific, solutions oriented, and striving for a place of possibility instead of fear. And they're always like, well, how is it that

[00:13:34] you're able to see all these things? And I'm like, because I've done this a million times. The more that they do it, the more that it becomes automatic to them. Okay. Example number four, I wish I had been diagnosed when I was younger. I read this on a subreddit that's all about ADHD. Here's how you can consciously choose how you respond. One, what specific age? You always want to get really explicit with yourself. When you are explicit, you get extraordinary outcomes. Okay. So what age?

[00:14:04] Let's say you said your age was 15. What do you think would be different if you were diagnosed at 15? You could be like, well, I would have studied better. I would have gotten better grades in college. I would have never gotten fired since I would have gotten diagnosed. I'd be on medication and I would always wake up on time and I wouldn't be overthinking my romantic relationships all the time. You can list all those things, but you don't know if any of those would be true. Like you're just making

[00:14:33] up that story. If I were your coach, I would ask you, how does that feel? Like the first skill in cake is to connect, connect with how you're feeling. How does it feel when you think that? Horrible. Okay. So like, let's drag to trash. That's not a story we want to be telling ourselves. What if you were never diagnosed? It actually gives you appreciation. This example in ADHD, there are people that went their whole lives, never knowing they were neurodiverse. They just thought there was

[00:15:00] something wrong with them. When you think about it that way, you start to have feelings of gratitude and appreciation that you were diagnosed in this lifetime and less about, I wish I would have been diagnosed when I was younger. That sort of brings perfectionist entitlement we talked about in the last episode. Quality questions to consciously choose how you are directing. I wish I had been diagnosed when I was younger would be now that you're diagnosed, what improvements have you made

[00:15:29] in your life? So you're looking back and you're able to be like, oh, I've done this and I've done that. How could it be true that you were diagnosed at the exact right time? Then your brain is searching for, I was mature enough to accept the diagnosis and invest in getting myself the support that I needed. If I would have been diagnosed when I was 15, I probably would have been like, you don't know

[00:15:56] what you're talking about and rebelled against. Also, sometimes when we have these cognitive reflexes, there's something there for us. Just like the last example, I should have asked for a raise when I was 25. I need to stop being so afraid of rejection. When will I learn to stop being a doormat at work? Those are low quality questions. The truth in that example is that perfectionist actually wanted a raise,

[00:16:25] no longer wanted to live their life in fear of rejection and wanted to advocate for themselves in the workplace. For this example of, I wish I had been diagnosed when I was younger, question to ask yourself would be, is this an issue I want to advocate for? And how do I want to do that? You have personal agency over what you choose to do with your time and what you choose to advocate for.

[00:16:52] You're being very, very specific about what your next step will be. You're doing it from a place of like, I'm so glad I got diagnosed. It has helped me in like all of these ways. And I want other people to be able to experience this in their life too. Notice it's not fear-based striving. It's not, I got to let everyone know so they don't fuck up like I did. That would be an example of fear-based striving. Now, the tool that is going to help you instantly upgrade comparing yourself. And that tool

[00:17:22] is quality questions. Quality questions are key because you don't rise to the level of your answers. You fall to the level of your questions. I am giving you the highest quality questions to ask yourself when unhealthy self-comparison creeps in. I also already gave you some in the past four examples, but I'm giving you even more. Let's say you're doing a Google search and you type in,

[00:17:49] why am I so accomplished and still not confident? Or you could type in the question, how to get more confidence. Those two searches both use the same information superhighway. They sourced all the things that are out there on the worldwide web. They were fishing from the same pool. By asking a different question in the search bar, we got very different answers. When I asked how to get

[00:18:18] more confidence, I got answers about building and increasing self-confidence versus when I search for why am I so accomplished and still not confident? I'm talking about insecurity and feeling inadequate. The results there get a lot more victim-y, like it's okay to suffer from imposter syndrome. It's not empowering and strengthening. By asking quality questions, you upgrade your own answers.

[00:18:48] Quality questions make you think of possibilities. Quality questions are solutions-oriented. Quality questions, when you notice that your self-comparison is creeping in and it is not healthy, you could ask yourself, how could I level up my self-confidence by 1% today? Leveling up is really just asking the question, what will I do today that's like a teensy bit of an improvement than yesterday.

[00:19:17] You could ask yourself, what are three ways that I've grown today? As a perfectionist, it can be criminally hard for us to see areas where we've grown. The reason why I have a coach is because I think it is impossible on your own to catch all of the tiny and mighty ways you are improving, changing, and how you're evolving. Because they are so nuanced and they are tiny, but being tiny makes them incredibly

[00:19:47] mighty. For example, I have loathed waiting in line at the pharmacy. About a month ago, I walked in and by the way, I had been intending to go to the pharmacy for about six days and finally all the text messages just got to be too much. So I went. When I got there, there were seven people in line, the longest line I've ever seen. The reflex in my mind was like, oh my God, this is going to take forever. Just leave,

[00:20:13] come back at another time. But I didn't do that. I was like, okay, I'm going to get in line and I'm going to wait. Instead of distracting myself or avoiding the uncomfortable feelings, I have developed a skill set of waiting in line and being present, just noticing what's around me. When I got to the front, there were no more people in line behind me. But I got there and I got my prescriptions and

[00:20:36] I got out of there. It wasn't until I was coaching a client later that day where he said, I just feel like it's the end of the year and I've accomplished nothing, which we knew wasn't true. I gave him the example of the pharmacy and said, there isn't an award of you chose to go to the pharmacy and you waited in line when there were seven people and you didn't distract yourself on your phone.

[00:21:03] My patience has grown. My capacity for dealing with uncertainty is bigger because when there's seven people in line ahead of you, you don't know how long it's going to take. That's part of why unrewired perfectionists want to control everything. They haven't developed the skill set of how to handle the feeling of uncertainty. That client said, by sharing that example, CLG, I noticed when I was

[00:21:30] driving home today, a commute that would normally take me 15 minutes took an hour. Instead of me trying to MacGyver and go on all these different roads and see if I could beat my time home by 12 minutes, I was like, okay, we're going to stay on the main road. There's traffic. It's okay. Now I can listen to some podcasts. The example of this client, their patience grew, their impulsivity,

[00:21:56] this client's ability to be present with themselves grew. This client was able to see, oh, I actually have accomplished a lot. Also seeing that growth isn't about accomplishments. It's about the tiny and mighty ways that you have improved. It could be, I responded to that very differently than I might've in the past. I now drink a glass of water instead of a glass of wine before bed.

[00:22:19] You want to be able to see the progress that fuels you. And that is the best comparison that you will ever do. Listen up. Taking charge of your perfectionism is so much easier than you have been led to believe. Whether you want to stop playing out worst case scenarios in your head or be joyfully present ambitious again, you don't need more rigid rules, guesswork, or hard work in perfectionism

[00:22:47] recovery. You need a framework that helps you understand and most importantly, rewire your perfectionistic habits from the inside out. It starts inside of perfectionism optimized. Besides the obvious mental health and wellness benefits, rewiring your perfectionism is the fastest way to figure out what's really underneath your perfectionistic patterns. This radically different proven proprietary

[00:23:14] approach helps you succeed by dropping the contempt and judgment that blocks change. Discover how to trust yourself, take control of your world, and feel truly empowered to own your perfectionism instead of being owned by it. Head on over to CourtneyLoveGavin.com and start your transformation today.