Tired of Feeling Overwhelmed? Start Here

Transcript for Ep. 248

[00:00:00] Before children are extremely verbal, how frustrating it can be on both ends when clearly they want something, but you don't know what it is. As a parent, you can feel sort of helpless in that situation. Hey, help me help you. That is the way that your brain feels when you are saying that you're feeling so overwhelmed, like you're inadvertently making yourself helpless.

[00:00:27] If you are ready to burn bright instead of burning out, to lead without losing yourself, and to enjoy the life you have worked so hard to create, then keep listening. I'm your host, America's leader on rewiring perfectionism, CLG, and this is Perfectionism Rewired, the podcast. Welcome to Perfectionism Rewired. Today we're talking about the first way you can broaden your horizon of control in your daily life.

[00:00:57] And end overwhelm forever. Most perfectionists feel like overwhelm just happens to us all the time. We get too much on our plate and we become victims of these mind hijackers that causes us to overthink, catastrophize, and spin out.

[00:01:16] But truth booth, you have significantly more control over how that works. Which, woohoo, I feel like every perfectionist, it's like control our eyes light up. By the end of this episode, you will broaden your horizon of control and gain the vital knowledge you must have in order to help yourself no longer feel overwhelmed.

[00:01:44] And you are going to be able to assess where you're currently at with this skill set. You want to make sure that you listen until the end of this episode because I am giving you the how-to of how you can put this skill set into practice starting today.

[00:02:01] Before we get into it, everything you hear on this podcast and in today's episode is based on the most current, best available neuroscience research and findings. But most importantly is that this is accurate. The first way you can broaden your horizon of control and end overwhelm is training your brain to learn new emotion words.

[00:02:27] When you say, I'm overwhelmed, I'm tired of being overwhelmed, I'm feeling so overwhelmed, you are unintentionally making yourself helpless. Saying how you're feeling overwhelmed is just like saying what you feel like eating is food. Utterly unhelpful. Let's say we're going to dinner together and I'm like, hey, what are you craving for dinner? And you're like, food.

[00:02:54] Food. So really, what would you like to eat tonight? Food. I'm standing there bewildered. And then you tell me, I'm so hungry, CLG. And I'll ask, well, what do you want? Food. Food. Do you see how it's so nonspecific and unhelpful before children are extremely verbal? How frustrating it can be on both ends when clearly they want something, but you don't know what it is.

[00:03:23] As a parent, you can feel sort of helpless in that situation. Hey, help me help you. That is the way that your brain feels when you are saying that you're feeling so overwhelmed. Like you're inadvertently making yourself helpless. You're not feeling a precise emotion. Like I'm feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with what? It's like, what do you want to eat? Food. What is it that you want right now? Something.

[00:03:53] Inside, you're feeling a pinata of stress or uncomfy. Think about how many times in your life that you've ever felt overwhelmed. That's probably tens of thousands of times. Your brain is like, okay, overwhelmed, but how do I compute? What is the action plan that I can bring up that is most useful for this specific situation that you're in? It's attempting to make sense of these vague feelings. And it's sort of like the emoji, you know, with the person with their hands up, like, I don't know.

[00:04:23] Beats me. The systems of your brain that process language also control the insides of your body, like your major organs, your hormones, your immune system. This is why when you label how you're feeling as overwhelmed, it can feel paralyzing and like you're stuck or drowning or you want to escape. Your brain doesn't know what to do to help yourself feel differently

[00:04:52] because you don't have tools that are specific to overwhelm because overwhelm isn't specific. Now that you know that the system in our brains that processes language is the exact same system that is regulating your entire body, there is a fascinating study. Neuroscientists did many, many, many times. So like thousands of people.

[00:05:20] In this study, they handed participants a muffin. They said, this muffin is super packed with protein. It's no sugar. It's going to help your brain think better, going to improve your stamina and energy for the day. It's also known to improve your mood. And this person is hooked up, fMRI. They can see everything happening inside their physiology.

[00:05:49] And these were people that didn't have diabetes, healthy. Like there weren't any kinks metabolically with them. And what they did is they looked at how their brain processed this muffin. They told the participants there's 20 grams of protein and their body digested it. Like there was 20 grams of protein in the muffin. The scientists were able to see they have more energy. For some people, their blood pressure was lowered.

[00:06:16] Like they were operating as though they had eaten this really, really healthy, nutritious muffin. The participants were later given a cupcake. They were told this cupcake has loads of sugar in it. It's just like to the hilt with sugar. Because it has so much sugar, you might find yourself eating this and then crashing later. This is definitely decadent.

[00:06:42] Some of you might take one bite and actually be disgusted because of the amount of sugar you can taste inside it. When participants ate this cupcake, their insulin and glucose spiked. The researchers are able to see into their brain and their physiology. So they're able to see these people are digesting this cupcake as though it is super rich, full of empty calories and super high in sugar.

[00:07:10] Just not a nutritious food. Here's the most fascinating part. The muffin and the cupcake, it was the same item. Isn't that wild? It's so freaking wild that just by the words the researchers used with the participants on describing the exact same item, either as a very healthy, nutritious, protein-packed muffin versus a sugar-filled, rich dessert,

[00:07:40] they metabolically digested it. Now you know for sure that words have a physiological power. Why? Because where we process language is the exact same system of our brain as where our physiology and regulating our entire person lives. When people talk about the power of words, it's not a metaphor. It's in your brain wiring.

[00:08:07] Words have a physiological power, which is why we must use them with care. When I use certain words with you, those words are literally little invitations for your brain to make sense of what's happening inside and outside you in a particular way. This skill set called emotional accuracy. The clinical term is called emotional granularity. Emotional accuracy is just more user-friendly.

[00:08:36] What emotional accuracy means clinically is it's the phenomenon of constructing more precise emotional experiences. So that is the textbook definition of emotional accuracy. It's a phenomenon of constructing more precise emotional experiences.

[00:08:56] In human speak, emotional accuracy means use your emotion words in a very precise and specific way and that you are flexible with how they come up. Like there's the embarrassment of your bottoms falling off in the pool. And then there's the emotional experience of embarrassment when you forget your best friend's birthday. Do you see what I mean? Like the emotional experience that you might tell yourself is, oh, I'm so embarrassed.

[00:09:27] But that instance of embarrassment doesn't look the same or feel the same. So therefore, you're not going to do the same thing. Like if you're bottomless, you're going to be like, where's a towel? If you forget your best friend's birthday, you're not going to be thinking, where's a towel? I feel embarrassed. Just like if you got out of the pool with no bottoms, you're not going to be like, oh, I need to text this person immediately and tell them what happened. No.

[00:09:54] Emotional accuracy is being able to make flexible instances of emotion that don't all look the same or feel the same. So therefore, you don't do the same thing. Just like the example of feeling embarrassed. Think about this. By you becoming skilled in emotional accuracy, your brain is going to be able to create action plans that are more useful for situations where you're feeling overwhelmed. Listen up.

[00:10:22] Taking charge of your perfectionism is so much easier than you have been led to believe. Whether you want to stop playing out worst case scenarios in your head or be joyfully present ambitious again, you don't need more rigid rules, guesswork, or hard work in perfectionism recovery. You need a framework that helps you understand and most importantly, rewire your perfectionistic habits from the inside out.

[00:10:50] It starts inside of perfectionism optimized. Besides the obvious mental health and wellness benefits, rewiring your perfectionism is the fastest way to figure out what's really underneath your perfectionistic patterns. This radically different, proven, proprietary approach helps you succeed by dropping the contempt and judgment that blocks change.

[00:11:13] Discover how to trust yourself, take control of your world, and feel truly empowered to own your perfectionism instead of being owned by it. Head on over to CourtneyLoveGavin.com and start your transformation today. This skill of emotional accuracy buys you several things. When you have higher emotional accuracy, study after study shows that you are less likely to abuse alcohol in stressful situations.

[00:11:43] It's much easier for you to cope with challenges you face on a day-to-day basis. And this is the one that totally surprised me. You're less likely to get sick from physical ailments. And if you are sick with very serious things like certain types of cancer, you will heal better and faster. So let's see where you are at on the spectrum of emotional accuracy. We're going to start at the bottom with low emotional accuracy.

[00:12:10] When you have low emotional accuracy, the labels your brain uses for emotions are vague and broad. You know that this is you if words like overwhelm, anxious, stressed out are synonyms for feeling unpleasant or uncomfortable. You're not feeling a precise emotion.

[00:12:28] Therefore, you don't know what to do to help yourself feel differently because you don't have tools that are specific for that emotion in the context that you're in. Continuing with the food metaphor, in your kitchen, you have a spork, a can opener, and a hot plate to cook with. When you are low emotional accuracy, you will say, I am overwhelmed. Now we're moving on up to mid-range emotional accuracy.

[00:12:57] When you have mid-range emotional accuracy, you will have a couple dozen emotional concepts. For the mid-range perfectionist, aggravated, irritated, frustrated, hostile, ragey, and agitated are all synonyms for angry or upset. In your kitchen, you have a microwave, a cutting board, a chef's knife, utensils, and a cheese grater. Nothing fancy, but it gets the job done.

[00:13:23] If you are in the mid-range of emotional accuracy, you would say, I feel overwhelmed and a bit frustrated. Notice the difference from low to mid is the low emotional accuracy perfectionist is saying, I am overwhelmed. And the mid-range emotional accuracy perfectionist is saying, I feel overwhelmed and a bit frustrated.

[00:13:48] They're able to say overwhelmed and frustrated because you have a couple dozen emotional concepts that you can choose from. Where the low emotional accuracy perfectionist maybe has like 10 emotions you experience. Like angry, bad, good, sad, happy, overwhelmed. By improving your emotional accuracy, whether you're at the low end or mid-range, you'll be better calibrated to cope with uncertainty.

[00:14:16] You'll be more empathetic to others. And you will have an improved skill to negotiate conflict and just get along with people in general. Now, the top of the top, all the gold stars for this skill is high emotional accuracy. You are an emotional sommelier. Your brain makes emotional instances that are precisely tailored to the exact situation that you're in.

[00:14:45] For example, if we pretend all of your emotions are like books in a library, you would have individual books for aggravated, irritated, frustrated, hostile, ragey, and agitated. Notice the difference between an emotional sommelier and mid-range emotional accuracy is that for the mid-range perfectionist, aggravated, irritated, frustrated, hostile, ragey, and agitated are all synonyms for a big book that you call upset.

[00:15:13] Where an emotional sommelier are all very individual books. And underneath, irritated, there could be four books. Like, irritated with my partner. Irritated, something's taking too long. Irritated, I woke up late. Irritated, I made another mistake. When you are an emotional sommelier, you have the large vocabulary. You have a highly specific emotional experience.

[00:15:40] Like, the example I just gave you of four different ways that you could feel irritated. And because your brain has four different highly specific books on irritated, and it's precisely tailored to the exact situation that you're in. Being a perfectionist with high emotional accuracy. Your kitchen is a profesh chef kitchen. You have a wood-fired pizza oven. You have a warming drawer. You have all the pots and pans and knives, etc.

[00:16:09] Perfectionist with high emotional accuracy. Instead of saying, I feel overwhelmed, you would say, I feel agitated, a little ragey, and a bit defeated. Notice how that's highly specific. It's almost like a recipe. Agitated with half a cup of rage and a quarter teaspoon of defeated. With high emotional accuracy, your brain differentiates the feeling flags between agitated, ragey, and defeated.

[00:16:38] There's not one action plan associated with agitated, ragey, or defeated. There's a whole repertoire. And the bigger that repertoire is, the better off you'll be. I encourage you to refuse to settle for happy. Seek out and use more specific words like elated, thrilled, exuberant, and vivacious.

[00:17:01] And no, my fellow perfectionists, this doesn't mean that you make vocabulary flashcards and memorize them. It's that you expose yourself to these more specific words and experiences that go along with them. So that your brain actually has a book, right? Because if you just memorize the word in your emotional library, all that your brain has is a book with blank pages. It's like those fake books they sell on Amazon.

[00:17:30] It has this cute cover, but then you open it and it's blank. You don't want to go the flashcard route. You're probably going, okay, I understand words. But CLG, how do I recognize my emotions more accurately? That is the wrong question to be asking. The correct question is, how do you construct your emotions more accurately?

[00:17:56] In the next episode, episode 249, where we're going on the magic school bus into your perfectionistic brain. And by you understanding how emotions are constructed, you will finally learn why the tools or strategies you're using to feel less overwhelmed are fundamentally flawed and never work 100%. Emotions are not happening to you.

[00:18:26] Even though it might feel like it. Emotions are not happening to you. And then you label them like, oh, that's disgust. That's despair. No, your brain is making them. You are your brain. You are constructing your emotional experiences. No one else is doing it. It's you. You're doing it. How do you construct your emotions more accurately?

[00:18:56] And this is the how. This is the how to. You become more aware of how you're making meaning of situations. Now you're probably thinking, I want to construct my emotions more accurately. You're saying I need to become more aware. How do you become more aware? First, you analyze the situation after the fact.

[00:19:17] In order to do this, you need to know the difference between reflecting like a scientist versus ruminating and looking with contempt for what you did wrong. I have a whole tool dedicated to this inside of Perfectionism Optimized 101 Coaching. It's called, it's called, what is it called? Why am I forgetting this right now? Oh, it's called the Solve and Evolve.

[00:19:42] It's a tool that allows you to choose the features that you focus on. And by changing your focus of attention, you change your experience in the moment. You can experience a taste of this in a single session by going to CourtneyLoveGavin.com slash rewire. Other ways that you can become more aware is you can travel, you can talk to people who are culturally different than you.

[00:20:12] You can act in plays. The through line here is forcing yourself to experience something differently than you normally would. It's like the first time you learned how to ride a bicycle. You're not like, okay, I'm going to go mountain biking with no training wheels. I'm just going to know what to do. No, you practiced it. And in the beginning, it was probably harder than you thought it was going to be. It required a lot of effort and investment.

[00:20:39] And that's what this skill set of emotional accuracy requires too. Take care and I'll see you in the next episode when we go on our magic school bus into your perfectionist brain. Listen up. Taking charge of your perfectionism is so much easier than you have been led to believe. Whether you want to stop playing out worst case scenarios in your head or be joyfully present ambitious again, you don't need more rigid rules, guesswork, or hard work in perfectionism recovery.

[00:21:08] You need a framework that helps you understand and most importantly, rewire your perfectionistic habits from the inside out. It starts inside of perfectionism optimized. Besides the obvious mental health and wellness benefits, rewiring your perfectionism is the fastest way to figure out what's really underneath your perfectionistic patterns.

[00:21:32] This radically different, proven, proprietary approach helps you succeed by dropping the contempt and judgment that blocks change. Discover how to trust yourself, take control of your world, and feel truly empowered to own your perfectionism instead of being owned by it. Head on over to CourtneyLoveGavin.com and start your transformation today.