6 Self-Sabotaging Patterns Perfectionists Unknowingly Nurture

[00:00:00] Hello, before we start today's episode, if you would like a condensed version of what I'm talking about in this podcast,

[00:00:09] go ahead and subscribe to the Perfectionist Guide. You can read the entire thing in three minutes or less. To access this, go to CourtneyLupGavin.com slash newsletter.

[00:00:23] Are you a bit of a perfectionist, type A, hyper performer? Then you know what it is like when your perfectionism is a constant god-awful companion.

[00:00:33] But it doesn't have to be. Traditional institutions have taught you that there is a right way to be and a wrong way to be and being a perfectionist is not only wrong but it's problematic.

[00:00:43] Your problem is not that you are a perfectionist. Some of the most joyful, extraordinary, fulfilled people on the planet are perfectionists.

[00:00:51] Your problem is that you're not being your full self. If you are ready to burn bright instead of burning out, to lead without losing yourself and to enjoy the life you have worked so hard to create, then keep listening.

[00:01:06] I'm your host, America's leader on rewiring perfectionism, CLG, and this is Perfectionism Rewired, the podcast.

[00:01:16] Welcome to Perfectionism Rewired. Today's episode is all about perfectionistic patterns, the missing puzzle piece.

[00:01:25] Understanding self-sabotage for perfectionists because the way that our self-defeating patterns show up are undetectable to most because on the surface they appear very beneficial.

[00:01:40] Most therapists, counselors, psychiatrists, psychologists, doctors, coaches, they don't recognize the underlying perfectionism and fail to provide you with the proper supports because they are unaware of what they missed.

[00:01:56] And so then you try harder, you read more books, you listen to more podcasts, and then what happens is that you end up chipping away at your self-trust, self confidence, and self esteem.

[00:02:06] This episode is going to help you spot your own self-defeating perfectionist patterns and figure out what's actually fueling them.

[00:02:15] First, we have the critic outside of us that's constantly judging all the things we're doing who's convinced what if this thing I want doesn't work out?

[00:02:26] Then who will I be? Then what will I have? If you have those sorts of thoughts in your mind, that signals scarcity mode, and then you are trying to hedge the illusion of loss.

[00:02:39] You end up placating your fear by running towards this false security of a guaranteed outcome.

[00:02:47] You think I'll take this job I don't really want because then at least I'll be guaranteed to have a salary.

[00:02:55] I see this happen over and over again where once you rewire your life may or may not look the same on the outside, but inside so much has changed.

[00:03:06] You stop working to curate a pre-programmed experience and you truly allow yourself to be liberated by your perfectionism instead of imprisoned by it.

[00:03:18] It opens you to step into your life now instead of waiting until you have ideal conditions.

[00:03:25] You become so much more of yourself, you are animated, you are excited, you are present to all the good in your life and you are no longer intimidated by what ifs or mistakes.

[00:03:37] The next self-defeating pattern shows up as neediness for external validation, approval and praise.

[00:03:45] A common thought is why am I still thinking about this? I shouldn't care that much.

[00:03:50] It feels like you desperately need to be liked and you end up singing for your supper except no one asked you to.

[00:03:59] When you rewire this pattern, you no longer avoid conflict and you choose experiences because they validate who you've decided to be.

[00:04:09] You're not bringing Fort as in cupcakes to school so that you can prove to other parents that you're a good mom.

[00:04:16] You have decided I am a good mom and your definition of that is I'm going to make Fort as in cupcakes and bring them to my kids' school.

[00:04:27] That's what I mean by you choose experiences that validate who you've decided to be and most importantly when you rewire this self-defeating pattern, you value your own opinion above anyone else's.

[00:04:42] Another self-defeating pattern that trips up perfectionist is the need to achieve and rack up accolades becomes urgent and you feel more pressure with every win.

[00:04:54] You perpetually will put off your life like I'll go on vacation after I finish this.

[00:05:00] I'll focus on my well being once I get through and you don't want to give up your driver ambition and you don't have to.

[00:05:09] When this rewiring happens, your determination is no longer aimed at generic external markers of success.

[00:05:17] Your goals are aligned with your values. Your process is a conscious intention and you no longer lose yourself.

[00:05:25] Another self-defeating pattern is when you fill up all the room in your schedule so there's no breathing room.

[00:05:32] Your energy is so scattered that you will tell yourself the story of how you're not committed enough, if you're not persistent enough.

[00:05:40] Inside perfectionism optimized, we take an inventory of all of your values and decide what you want to commit to and what you don't.

[00:05:50] So that you stop pretending that you can be in 42 places at once and burning through all of your internal resources trying to do all the things.

[00:05:59] You are able to redirect all of your energy towards one clear path and feel proud at the end of each day with what you accomplished.

[00:06:08] The one pattern I think we all have as perfectionist is we love to control.

[00:06:13] We love planning, we love organizing, we love making it beautiful.

[00:06:17] And a lot of times we end up rapid firing our to-do list and just going through the motions.

[00:06:22] We will have this meaningless multitasking and we will try and put structure into every open space.

[00:06:29] When you rewire this, you are able to relieve yourself of the pressure to control everyone and everything.

[00:06:35] Even if all the things that you are planning goes awry or one person emails you and then it just throws your whole day off.

[00:06:43] You have the stability within yourself that you don't get shook by that anymore.

[00:06:50] You have useful options to seek relief that gives you resilience, relief that gives you confidence, relief that gives you direction in yourself so that you're able to be flexible instead of rigid and clenchy.

[00:07:02] You can't change your perfectionistic tendencies without first understanding what's driving them.

[00:07:10] And that's why perfectionism recovery and trying to be less of a perfectionist doesn't work because you're still left with the beliefs and the problems that the veneer of your perfectionism was covering up.

[00:07:24] Your action step for this episode is to notice what patterns you have and ask yourself are you willing to be the creator of your future?

[00:07:35] Are you willing to create the future not as a kind of improvement on your past or something driven by your fears but a future that you create from who you become by rewiring your perfectionism.

[00:07:50] Sometimes when we ask ourselves our mind will go blank for it's challenging to see why this matters to us.

[00:07:59] Maybe it's because you're done doing life in autopilot and you're effing tired of just going through the motions.

[00:08:05] Maybe it's because you want to take up more space and unapologetically ask for what you want because you've had so many other breakthroughs in your life and this is just the next area that you want to focus on.

[00:08:15] Maybe it's because you are ready to make decisions based on what you actually want and not what you've always done or been told you should do.

[00:08:24] Maybe it's because you want to create more boundaries and honor them for yourself maybe it's because you want to see what you are capable of when you take ownership of your perfectionism instead of it owning you.

[00:08:36] And when you work with your perfectionistic patterns you get to experience the fullest expression of yourself spoiler alert which is an even more powerful person.

[00:08:47] You get to be a perfectionist who feels as good on the inside as your life looks on the outside if you're like holy smoke CLG you freaking nailed it.

[00:08:58] I invite you to come work with me one on one inside of perfectionism optimized.

[00:09:04] You will find out what's underneath your patterns because once you find the route you solve it forever when you're like oh shit this is a challenge we get to figure it out together and you come out on the other side stronger more confident and more capable.

[00:09:23] So if you want this for yourself then go to Courtney love Gavin dot com.

[00:09:27] Listen up taking charge of your perfectionism is so much easier than you have been led to believe whether you want to stop playing out worst case scenarios in your head or be joyfully present and vicious again you don't need more rigid rules guesswork or hard work and perfectionism recovery.

[00:09:47] You need a framework that helps you understand and most importantly rewire your perfectionistic habits from the inside out.

[00:09:56] It starts inside of perfectionism optimized besides the obvious mental health and wellness benefits rewiring your perfectionism is the fastest way to figure out what's really underneath your perfectionistic patterns.

[00:10:11] This radically different proven proprietary approach helps you succeed by dropping the contempt and judgment that locks change.

[00:10:20] Discover how to trust yourself take control of your world and feel truly empowered to own your perfectionism instead of being owned by it.

[00:10:32] Head on over to Courtney love Gavin dot com and start your transformation today.